SSDD

As I said before, my "down" days seem to come fewer and further apart. But they're still there. My husband wants "some lovin" tonight and I am actually sad to do it. We had a purpose when making love. I know that it's supposed to be fun and an act to bring two people closer, etc. But for me, I see the scientific aspects of it more strongly. It's meant for reproduction.

I'm also afraid to have sex at this point. I haven't had a cycle. I so badly want to wait until I have one so I, myself, can determine a due date as well as how far along I am. When I thought I was pregnant the second time it drove me insane not knowing. Unless you know the time of conception or the first day of the last cycle it's impossible to know for sure.

I mean, we use protection. But obviously it can fail. Also, I know that my miscarriage seems to be over. My HCG levels dropped severely. Last time, however, I felt it was over, too. I had zero symptoms and even had negative pregnancy tests (meaning my levels dropped below 20) If I were to become pregnant before having a cycle, it would drive me insane not knowing if I'm really pregnant or if it's the miscarriage again.

To help keep me motivated and on track when we do decide to start trying again, I bought an ovulation monitor kit (it comes with 6 months worth of test sticks and 10 pregnancy tests) That way I can see when my cycles start getting back in order again. I would expect the first few months not to spike, meaning no ovulation. Then I'll know when to start getting excited about trying, rather than trying so hard and feeling miserable on month's I'm not ovulating, then being upset when I get negative tests. At least I would expect negative tests on month's the monitor says I didn't ovulate.

Seeing as how my cycles have always run like clockwork, it shouldn't be an issue getting pregnant again. I'm not really worried about not being able to get pregnant. It's just the timing.

I learned that I ovulate earlier in my cycles than most women. On average, you ovulate 2 weeks before your period is due. My cycles are normally 32-37 days long, meaning I should be ovulating around day 18-22 of my cycles. I used an ovulation monitor for 2 months in a row about a year and a half ago and I thought the results were wrong. It said I was ovulating around day 11, much earlier in my cycle than the average woman.

For the following year we tried around day 18-22 since I still thought the monitor was wrong, and we didn't get pregnant. Then in September, I thought to myself, "Why not." And we tried on day 11 and day 15. And it worked.

So the reason it took us so long to actually conceive is we were totally missing the right day to try. I mean, the ONE month we tried earlier in my cycle and it worked. The first time! So I know we can do it again.

The way we tried, from what I have read, ties in with why I miscarried. I mean, we didn't know any better, our logic was there but new studies show that the old logic is actually harmful.

Old logic is to have a man ejaculate once every few days to keep his numbers high. However, new studies show that sperm are only "good" for about a day or so before they start becoming damaged. Their DNA starts falling apart and starts losing pieces. I had Devin wait 4 days for me. The sperm we conceived with was "old" sperm, and likely damaged. Our miscarriage was due to "chromosomal abnormalities." The egg can become fertilized, but important pieces are missing. The embryo will form until it needs those pieces, then stops. It was no one's fault, we had no idea.

So the new studies show that a man who wants to conceive should be ejaculating every 24 hours. The numbers may not be as high, but the quality is there. The sperm are "fresh." Pure science! So we know now that when we decide to try again to have Devin do his thing once a day. We don't necessarily need to have sex every day, but he needs to replenish every day. Which he doesn't mind!

Knowing this, I feel so much more confident in conceiving again. I have my monitor. I will use it for several cycles to make sure I'm back on track with my hormones and that I've begun ovulating again properly. Once that is established, we can begin trying when my monitor says I'm most fertile. Then there's no stress about trying every other day for month's on end, becoming exhausted and hating sex.

I know it may take lots of time, but I know I can get pregnant. I know that when I do get pregnant, it's the right time.