I certainly have some high hopes for 2011! We always manage to make the most out of every year, so this upcoming year shouldn't be any different!
Looking back.
2010 was a great year. It had plenty of it's ups and downs, but all in all I learned a lot, and that's what is important. If you don't learn something from your experiences, then why have them.
In 2010 we had our 1 year wedding anniversary (which I had to work on... Stupid Nob Hill...) I turned 24, Devin turned 29. We tasted parenthood for the first time and have learned that yes, it is right for us. I quit my job at Nob Hill. No more anniversaries spent working! No more birthdays spent waiting on people! No more breaking my back and legs and neck and feet and wrists for holidays! I registered for school. I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up! We went to Hawaii for 20 days and had a blast! So all in all, it was a wonderful year.
Looking forward.
2011 feels like a fresh start. A time for change. A new me. A clean slate! I start school January 18th. I haven't been to school in years! This time I am going all the way and getting my degree! A first for me! I'm going to get myself in the best shape of my life (well since I was 14) I have promised myself that my entire first paycheck from my new job is going towards a new wardrobe if I reach my goal weight. Devin and I have decided to try again at being parents. Just trying again makes me happy. Right now I am stuck, waiting, and there's nothing we can do but wait. At least once we start trying we're doing something!
So a new lifestyle awaits us both. A less stressful lifestyle! A more complete lifestyle. I know we can make it work!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
SSDD
As I said before, my "down" days seem to come fewer and further apart. But they're still there. My husband wants "some lovin" tonight and I am actually sad to do it. We had a purpose when making love. I know that it's supposed to be fun and an act to bring two people closer, etc. But for me, I see the scientific aspects of it more strongly. It's meant for reproduction.
I'm also afraid to have sex at this point. I haven't had a cycle. I so badly want to wait until I have one so I, myself, can determine a due date as well as how far along I am. When I thought I was pregnant the second time it drove me insane not knowing. Unless you know the time of conception or the first day of the last cycle it's impossible to know for sure.
I mean, we use protection. But obviously it can fail. Also, I know that my miscarriage seems to be over. My HCG levels dropped severely. Last time, however, I felt it was over, too. I had zero symptoms and even had negative pregnancy tests (meaning my levels dropped below 20) If I were to become pregnant before having a cycle, it would drive me insane not knowing if I'm really pregnant or if it's the miscarriage again.
To help keep me motivated and on track when we do decide to start trying again, I bought an ovulation monitor kit (it comes with 6 months worth of test sticks and 10 pregnancy tests) That way I can see when my cycles start getting back in order again. I would expect the first few months not to spike, meaning no ovulation. Then I'll know when to start getting excited about trying, rather than trying so hard and feeling miserable on month's I'm not ovulating, then being upset when I get negative tests. At least I would expect negative tests on month's the monitor says I didn't ovulate.
Seeing as how my cycles have always run like clockwork, it shouldn't be an issue getting pregnant again. I'm not really worried about not being able to get pregnant. It's just the timing.
I learned that I ovulate earlier in my cycles than most women. On average, you ovulate 2 weeks before your period is due. My cycles are normally 32-37 days long, meaning I should be ovulating around day 18-22 of my cycles. I used an ovulation monitor for 2 months in a row about a year and a half ago and I thought the results were wrong. It said I was ovulating around day 11, much earlier in my cycle than the average woman.
For the following year we tried around day 18-22 since I still thought the monitor was wrong, and we didn't get pregnant. Then in September, I thought to myself, "Why not." And we tried on day 11 and day 15. And it worked.
So the reason it took us so long to actually conceive is we were totally missing the right day to try. I mean, the ONE month we tried earlier in my cycle and it worked. The first time! So I know we can do it again.
The way we tried, from what I have read, ties in with why I miscarried. I mean, we didn't know any better, our logic was there but new studies show that the old logic is actually harmful.
Old logic is to have a man ejaculate once every few days to keep his numbers high. However, new studies show that sperm are only "good" for about a day or so before they start becoming damaged. Their DNA starts falling apart and starts losing pieces. I had Devin wait 4 days for me. The sperm we conceived with was "old" sperm, and likely damaged. Our miscarriage was due to "chromosomal abnormalities." The egg can become fertilized, but important pieces are missing. The embryo will form until it needs those pieces, then stops. It was no one's fault, we had no idea.
So the new studies show that a man who wants to conceive should be ejaculating every 24 hours. The numbers may not be as high, but the quality is there. The sperm are "fresh." Pure science! So we know now that when we decide to try again to have Devin do his thing once a day. We don't necessarily need to have sex every day, but he needs to replenish every day. Which he doesn't mind!
Knowing this, I feel so much more confident in conceiving again. I have my monitor. I will use it for several cycles to make sure I'm back on track with my hormones and that I've begun ovulating again properly. Once that is established, we can begin trying when my monitor says I'm most fertile. Then there's no stress about trying every other day for month's on end, becoming exhausted and hating sex.
I know it may take lots of time, but I know I can get pregnant. I know that when I do get pregnant, it's the right time.
I'm also afraid to have sex at this point. I haven't had a cycle. I so badly want to wait until I have one so I, myself, can determine a due date as well as how far along I am. When I thought I was pregnant the second time it drove me insane not knowing. Unless you know the time of conception or the first day of the last cycle it's impossible to know for sure.
I mean, we use protection. But obviously it can fail. Also, I know that my miscarriage seems to be over. My HCG levels dropped severely. Last time, however, I felt it was over, too. I had zero symptoms and even had negative pregnancy tests (meaning my levels dropped below 20) If I were to become pregnant before having a cycle, it would drive me insane not knowing if I'm really pregnant or if it's the miscarriage again.
To help keep me motivated and on track when we do decide to start trying again, I bought an ovulation monitor kit (it comes with 6 months worth of test sticks and 10 pregnancy tests) That way I can see when my cycles start getting back in order again. I would expect the first few months not to spike, meaning no ovulation. Then I'll know when to start getting excited about trying, rather than trying so hard and feeling miserable on month's I'm not ovulating, then being upset when I get negative tests. At least I would expect negative tests on month's the monitor says I didn't ovulate.
Seeing as how my cycles have always run like clockwork, it shouldn't be an issue getting pregnant again. I'm not really worried about not being able to get pregnant. It's just the timing.
I learned that I ovulate earlier in my cycles than most women. On average, you ovulate 2 weeks before your period is due. My cycles are normally 32-37 days long, meaning I should be ovulating around day 18-22 of my cycles. I used an ovulation monitor for 2 months in a row about a year and a half ago and I thought the results were wrong. It said I was ovulating around day 11, much earlier in my cycle than the average woman.
For the following year we tried around day 18-22 since I still thought the monitor was wrong, and we didn't get pregnant. Then in September, I thought to myself, "Why not." And we tried on day 11 and day 15. And it worked.
So the reason it took us so long to actually conceive is we were totally missing the right day to try. I mean, the ONE month we tried earlier in my cycle and it worked. The first time! So I know we can do it again.
The way we tried, from what I have read, ties in with why I miscarried. I mean, we didn't know any better, our logic was there but new studies show that the old logic is actually harmful.
Old logic is to have a man ejaculate once every few days to keep his numbers high. However, new studies show that sperm are only "good" for about a day or so before they start becoming damaged. Their DNA starts falling apart and starts losing pieces. I had Devin wait 4 days for me. The sperm we conceived with was "old" sperm, and likely damaged. Our miscarriage was due to "chromosomal abnormalities." The egg can become fertilized, but important pieces are missing. The embryo will form until it needs those pieces, then stops. It was no one's fault, we had no idea.
So the new studies show that a man who wants to conceive should be ejaculating every 24 hours. The numbers may not be as high, but the quality is there. The sperm are "fresh." Pure science! So we know now that when we decide to try again to have Devin do his thing once a day. We don't necessarily need to have sex every day, but he needs to replenish every day. Which he doesn't mind!
Knowing this, I feel so much more confident in conceiving again. I have my monitor. I will use it for several cycles to make sure I'm back on track with my hormones and that I've begun ovulating again properly. Once that is established, we can begin trying when my monitor says I'm most fertile. Then there's no stress about trying every other day for month's on end, becoming exhausted and hating sex.
I know it may take lots of time, but I know I can get pregnant. I know that when I do get pregnant, it's the right time.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Hard to update when things are going good!
I don't feel the need to post on here when I'm in a good mood, so my postings become fewer and farther apart. I suppose that's a good thing!
I had my last BHCG test done yesterday, results are in today at <2 (I guess they can't detect less than 2) Which means the miscarriage is finally over. My doctor gave me the "ok" to start trying again immediately because now she knows to treat it as a new pregnancy if I were to start having pregnancy symptoms again. Last time we didn't follow the numbers all the way down, so we weren't sure if it had ended or not properly. Plus I don't have to have any medical interference, my body dealt with it naturally.
We decided to wait a few cycles, so I can get into a rhythm again. That way we will know when to try, and we will have an exact time line for the pregnancy vs an estimated guess on when conception actually took place.
I start school on January 18th. I'm super excited! In order for me to afford to go, I have to extend the classes, however. Meaning rather than graduating April 2012 I have to graduate January 2013. I was so focused on getting pregnant around July/August this upcoming year so the baby would be due after I graduate. My husband said I can easily take a semester or two off for pregnancy, as long as I'm already working at Kaiser.
Which is true! My entire goal is to get into Kaiser, which I can do with just 1 semester vs 8. So I could get a job as early as April this year, after the semester is over. Then we can try for a baby when I get the new job. The whole point is to be able to get a higher paying job so I can afford to live without needing a roommate. Plus, I'm out of Nob Hill. That's a huge accomplishment! I still can't believe I'm out of there for good. I feel like I'm just on vacation.
So all in all, everything is good. I've had more lab tests done to try and determine if I'm prone to miscarriages and they all came back negative. It was just a chance miscarriage, like most are. I'm very healthy, too. My doctor has nothing but good things to say. It helps my self esteem to know that things I can't really control (hormones, blood type, other conditions) are all great. I don't have any clotting disorders or blood type abnormalities or diseases that would prevent me from getting pregnant or carrying a very healthy baby full term.
So, I think that 2011 will bring on many good things for us!
I had my last BHCG test done yesterday, results are in today at <2 (I guess they can't detect less than 2) Which means the miscarriage is finally over. My doctor gave me the "ok" to start trying again immediately because now she knows to treat it as a new pregnancy if I were to start having pregnancy symptoms again. Last time we didn't follow the numbers all the way down, so we weren't sure if it had ended or not properly. Plus I don't have to have any medical interference, my body dealt with it naturally.
We decided to wait a few cycles, so I can get into a rhythm again. That way we will know when to try, and we will have an exact time line for the pregnancy vs an estimated guess on when conception actually took place.
I start school on January 18th. I'm super excited! In order for me to afford to go, I have to extend the classes, however. Meaning rather than graduating April 2012 I have to graduate January 2013. I was so focused on getting pregnant around July/August this upcoming year so the baby would be due after I graduate. My husband said I can easily take a semester or two off for pregnancy, as long as I'm already working at Kaiser.
Which is true! My entire goal is to get into Kaiser, which I can do with just 1 semester vs 8. So I could get a job as early as April this year, after the semester is over. Then we can try for a baby when I get the new job. The whole point is to be able to get a higher paying job so I can afford to live without needing a roommate. Plus, I'm out of Nob Hill. That's a huge accomplishment! I still can't believe I'm out of there for good. I feel like I'm just on vacation.
So all in all, everything is good. I've had more lab tests done to try and determine if I'm prone to miscarriages and they all came back negative. It was just a chance miscarriage, like most are. I'm very healthy, too. My doctor has nothing but good things to say. It helps my self esteem to know that things I can't really control (hormones, blood type, other conditions) are all great. I don't have any clotting disorders or blood type abnormalities or diseases that would prevent me from getting pregnant or carrying a very healthy baby full term.
So, I think that 2011 will bring on many good things for us!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Ups and Downs
So I've noticed these swings in my mood - not severe or insane or anything. Just one day everything is great, nothing could break me, all is well. Then the next day the smallest thing makes me want to break down and cry. Today was a good day. I came across my pregnancy journal from the miscarriage and read through it and just smiled to myself instead of crying. I felt at peace today. I think because the pregnancy symptoms are now just a memory things seem easier. The symptoms were horrible emotionally because I could FEEL the pregnancy, it was a constant reminder.
I know once I have a period I'll be very sensitive, seeing as I haven't had a period since September and it's the sign that I am NOT pregnant. I'm already expecting the worst.
It's been a week since the last of my symptoms faded now. I get nervous at every twinge I feel that I related to the pregnancy, thinking "Oh no not again - the hormone's come back up!" then the twinge goes away. I'm not going to bother with pregnancy tests, they only stress me out more. I refuse to have sex until I have a period so I KNOW the miscarriage is over and that there's zero chance it could be another pregnancy, or another miscarriage...
On a lighter note I have decided to go back to school. I signed up on Monday at Heald College to get my AAS in Medical Assistance. I have 1 semester down and 5 more to go before I get my diploma. I should graduate April of 2012 at the latest (if I go full time all the way through) I may even be able to get away with graduating a semester earlier by adding 1 more class to each semester. I'll have to test the waters. It's perfect for me now since I'm not working. I can completely focus on school.
I'm super excited to start. It will help me get my mind off of babies, being in a professional environment and bettering myself educationally.
I know once I have a period I'll be very sensitive, seeing as I haven't had a period since September and it's the sign that I am NOT pregnant. I'm already expecting the worst.
It's been a week since the last of my symptoms faded now. I get nervous at every twinge I feel that I related to the pregnancy, thinking "Oh no not again - the hormone's come back up!" then the twinge goes away. I'm not going to bother with pregnancy tests, they only stress me out more. I refuse to have sex until I have a period so I KNOW the miscarriage is over and that there's zero chance it could be another pregnancy, or another miscarriage...
On a lighter note I have decided to go back to school. I signed up on Monday at Heald College to get my AAS in Medical Assistance. I have 1 semester down and 5 more to go before I get my diploma. I should graduate April of 2012 at the latest (if I go full time all the way through) I may even be able to get away with graduating a semester earlier by adding 1 more class to each semester. I'll have to test the waters. It's perfect for me now since I'm not working. I can completely focus on school.
I'm super excited to start. It will help me get my mind off of babies, being in a professional environment and bettering myself educationally.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Harder than I thought...
I really love photography. Whenever I see an ad on Facebook or whenever our wedding photographer posts new photos I love to browse through them. One photographer posted photos of a family at their home, just portraits, and there was a sweet little baby in the pictures. The first few I thought, "Aw what a sweet little baby." Then after a few more I completely welled up and wanted to bawl my eyes out. I can't cop it up to hormones because my blood tests show it's minimal now, so I know this is truly how I feel.
After the miscarriage I felt more upset than I have in my entire life. I have had a rough childhood and even compared to that, to all of the emotional and physical trauma, this was worse. I would never wish this sort of pain on even my worst enemy. This feeling of utter helplessness is so unbearable...
As horrible as it sounds, I wish I never experienced the pregnancy. I have always wondered what it would be like to be pregnant. What it would feel like to have something alive and growing inside you. To have something depend on you for sustenance, for life, for everything. I felt like for once in my life someone needed me. That without me, there would be no "them." And now the guilt is coming back...
I couldn't do anything to save him/her. I couldn't do anything to make sure they were healthy. I flat out couldn't do anything. I know it's completely out of my control, but that unbearable helplessness kicks in anyways.
At least before I was pregnant I never stressed about pregnancy or having a baby. I only "sort of" wanted a family at the time. We were only trying here or there rather than diligently. I didn't think we would actually get pregnant the one month we tried sooner in my cycle. I was incredibly shocked after getting that positive test. I was thrilled, not scared. I was happy, not afraid. It never occurred to me that we would lose our first baby. Never.
I had everything planned out in my head. How I would potty train our new baby, how I would learn to breast feed, how I would teach him/her to walk... I wondered what their first words would be, if they would have mine or Devin's eyes, if they would get my mother's curly hair or my little feet...
To have those dreams taken just like that was a stab in the heart. I really did not expect it. I never in a million years would have thought I'd lose my first pregnancy. Now because of this I am so afraid to become pregnant again. I don't want to go through this again. I know there's the chance, I'm not going to set myself up like I did the first time by ignoring reality.
I would have been just past the 14 week milestone yesterday. Every week it haunts me. I should be another week closer to having our little baby but I'm not. Our baby should be at a certain size by now but it's not. I think my body knows all of this, too, because it feels so incredibly empty.
It's so hard to see the positives when I don't care about whether or not we are totally ready. I just care about having a baby. I mean, look at all the super young girls on drugs or alcohol, not married, no home, no job, don't care about themselves or kids, and they happen to have perfectly happy healthy babies that they don't even want. What about those of us who want it more than anything? Maybe it's because we want it so bad we don't have it. Maybe life is not about planning or wanting things, but just taking it as it comes.
Well it's horrible.
After the miscarriage I felt more upset than I have in my entire life. I have had a rough childhood and even compared to that, to all of the emotional and physical trauma, this was worse. I would never wish this sort of pain on even my worst enemy. This feeling of utter helplessness is so unbearable...
As horrible as it sounds, I wish I never experienced the pregnancy. I have always wondered what it would be like to be pregnant. What it would feel like to have something alive and growing inside you. To have something depend on you for sustenance, for life, for everything. I felt like for once in my life someone needed me. That without me, there would be no "them." And now the guilt is coming back...
I couldn't do anything to save him/her. I couldn't do anything to make sure they were healthy. I flat out couldn't do anything. I know it's completely out of my control, but that unbearable helplessness kicks in anyways.
At least before I was pregnant I never stressed about pregnancy or having a baby. I only "sort of" wanted a family at the time. We were only trying here or there rather than diligently. I didn't think we would actually get pregnant the one month we tried sooner in my cycle. I was incredibly shocked after getting that positive test. I was thrilled, not scared. I was happy, not afraid. It never occurred to me that we would lose our first baby. Never.
I had everything planned out in my head. How I would potty train our new baby, how I would learn to breast feed, how I would teach him/her to walk... I wondered what their first words would be, if they would have mine or Devin's eyes, if they would get my mother's curly hair or my little feet...
To have those dreams taken just like that was a stab in the heart. I really did not expect it. I never in a million years would have thought I'd lose my first pregnancy. Now because of this I am so afraid to become pregnant again. I don't want to go through this again. I know there's the chance, I'm not going to set myself up like I did the first time by ignoring reality.
I would have been just past the 14 week milestone yesterday. Every week it haunts me. I should be another week closer to having our little baby but I'm not. Our baby should be at a certain size by now but it's not. I think my body knows all of this, too, because it feels so incredibly empty.
It's so hard to see the positives when I don't care about whether or not we are totally ready. I just care about having a baby. I mean, look at all the super young girls on drugs or alcohol, not married, no home, no job, don't care about themselves or kids, and they happen to have perfectly happy healthy babies that they don't even want. What about those of us who want it more than anything? Maybe it's because we want it so bad we don't have it. Maybe life is not about planning or wanting things, but just taking it as it comes.
Well it's horrible.
Feeling So Much Better!
My doctor puts me in such a good mood. Even though this whole mess had to have been the worst thing I've ever dealt with in my entire life, she makes it easier to deal with. Just knowing she's doing everything she can to ease my mind is amazing!
I have read that most doctors won't do blood work on you unless you have recurring pregnancy loss, meaning 3 or 4 miscarriages. My doctor said she has not noticed a difference in the test results when you've had 2 pregnancy losses versus 4 or more. She feels we may as well do the testing now, pretend like we know it was 2 miscarriages, and find out answers before we have to go through this again. At least if we find something preventable we can fix it before it's too late again.
We may not find anything, I may not have recurring pregnancy losses. This, I feel, was just 1 miscarriage, a luck of the draw, chalked up to unfortunate chromosomal abnormalities and nothing more. So to know that she's going above and beyond just to ease my mind when we decide to try again makes me feel a million times better about myself and getting pregnant again.
Luckily I haven't eaten since last night, I would have had to fast for the blood work today otherwise. I don't normally eat before noon and I had dinner around 9pm, so it worked out perfectly for me. I don't have to wait another day to get the blood work in. Plus having to fast because I HAVE to would make it hard, I know I'd be starving just because, even though it's my normal eating habits lol.
They took 8 vials of blood today. 8! I've never had more than the 1 single vial at a time. The guy started laying out the vials, 4 on the counter, and I said, "Wow that's a lot of blood!" and he says, "I'm not done counting." It was hilarious lol! It wasn't so bad. No light headed feelings or anything, and it didn't hurt so bad when he put the needle in. Some of these people just cram it in you whereas some are gentle.
I have never been to a doctor's office so frequently in my entire life. I've had 3 ultrasounds, 5 blood tests, and several regular visits all in the last month and a half. It's a good thing I"m not working right now or this would be impossible!
The ultrasound today showed my uterus is back to normal, not swollen or "full" like that of an early pregnancy/incomplete miscarriage, so that's good. I asked about when my next cycle should be expected and she said 3-6 weeks. From there I'm going to clock it, and hope everything goes back to normal soon. I just want some normal hormones flowing, none of this off the charts stuff! lol. I told her we planned on waiting until at least March or April to start trying again, and she said that was what she would recommend as it is, so we can make sure things are all finished up and my uterus is capable of supporting another pregnancy by then. She told me most couples can take anywhere from 4-8 months, even up to a year to conceive again, because your hormones will be all over the place still, even with "normal" like cycles. That sometimes your body just won't ovulate for a while, like coming off of birth control, it just takes a while to get back into the swing of things. I'm hoping to wait a while as it is. I want this to be a faded memory before I'm pregnant again, so these phantom fears of another miscarriage don't haunt me.
I feel like running so bad today, but it's pouring outside and freezing. I think today I'll do my normal exercises and try to get some core workouts in, too. Just to get my heart going. I always feel better after working out!
I have read that most doctors won't do blood work on you unless you have recurring pregnancy loss, meaning 3 or 4 miscarriages. My doctor said she has not noticed a difference in the test results when you've had 2 pregnancy losses versus 4 or more. She feels we may as well do the testing now, pretend like we know it was 2 miscarriages, and find out answers before we have to go through this again. At least if we find something preventable we can fix it before it's too late again.
We may not find anything, I may not have recurring pregnancy losses. This, I feel, was just 1 miscarriage, a luck of the draw, chalked up to unfortunate chromosomal abnormalities and nothing more. So to know that she's going above and beyond just to ease my mind when we decide to try again makes me feel a million times better about myself and getting pregnant again.
Luckily I haven't eaten since last night, I would have had to fast for the blood work today otherwise. I don't normally eat before noon and I had dinner around 9pm, so it worked out perfectly for me. I don't have to wait another day to get the blood work in. Plus having to fast because I HAVE to would make it hard, I know I'd be starving just because, even though it's my normal eating habits lol.
They took 8 vials of blood today. 8! I've never had more than the 1 single vial at a time. The guy started laying out the vials, 4 on the counter, and I said, "Wow that's a lot of blood!" and he says, "I'm not done counting." It was hilarious lol! It wasn't so bad. No light headed feelings or anything, and it didn't hurt so bad when he put the needle in. Some of these people just cram it in you whereas some are gentle.
I have never been to a doctor's office so frequently in my entire life. I've had 3 ultrasounds, 5 blood tests, and several regular visits all in the last month and a half. It's a good thing I"m not working right now or this would be impossible!
The ultrasound today showed my uterus is back to normal, not swollen or "full" like that of an early pregnancy/incomplete miscarriage, so that's good. I asked about when my next cycle should be expected and she said 3-6 weeks. From there I'm going to clock it, and hope everything goes back to normal soon. I just want some normal hormones flowing, none of this off the charts stuff! lol. I told her we planned on waiting until at least March or April to start trying again, and she said that was what she would recommend as it is, so we can make sure things are all finished up and my uterus is capable of supporting another pregnancy by then. She told me most couples can take anywhere from 4-8 months, even up to a year to conceive again, because your hormones will be all over the place still, even with "normal" like cycles. That sometimes your body just won't ovulate for a while, like coming off of birth control, it just takes a while to get back into the swing of things. I'm hoping to wait a while as it is. I want this to be a faded memory before I'm pregnant again, so these phantom fears of another miscarriage don't haunt me.
I feel like running so bad today, but it's pouring outside and freezing. I think today I'll do my normal exercises and try to get some core workouts in, too. Just to get my heart going. I always feel better after working out!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Running
View 12/16/2010 in a larger map
Today I ran again! I'm so proud of myself! That's 4 runs in a row! Even if I only do my regular exercise 3 times a week (abs, lunges, etc) I want to make sure I at LEAST go walking with some jogging mixed in 4 or 5 times a week. I can totally see a difference. I ran the 10 minutes and felt like I should keep going! I was shocked it had already been 10 minutes! I walked 10 extra minutes today, too, so that was a good add on. I'm thoroughly wiped out now. I try to get all of my chores and errands done first THEN work out, because afterwords I'm useless! I'm hoping soon I can drop the 1 minute walking in between each 1 minute running down to 45 seconds, then 30 seconds, etc. Just to ease myself into it. I think if I take it on too strong I'll kill myself then never want to run again. Right now is just about right. My lungs burn the whole time but I'm not cramping up. As soon as my lungs get used to these 1 minute sprints I'll up it some.
I'm so proud of myself this week!
Trying to think of the positives!
Today I have that overwhelming feeling to start trying again immediately for another baby. I think since it seems all of the miscarriage is complete, I know in the back of my mind that there's a chance I could ovulate, so there's a chance of getting pregnant. I know it's a bad time to try, it's as though I didn't learn my lesson last time.
I have to remind myself, "What's a few more months compared to the rest of your life with your child." It will save me a lot of stress and possibly help the pregnancy if I wait, I know. It's just this total selfish feeling that takes over. I'm going in tomorrow for an ultrasound and I know I'm going to see pregnant women there, or women with tiny little babies. It tears me up every time I have to go there.
I have to be strong! I have to think of the positives! I want a job first before we try again. I want to be finished with school first. I want to have at least a few cycles so we know when to try and we know that when we do try we'll be trying the right way. I want to make sure I am healthy first before trying again. I want to make sure my body can support a baby first before we jump right into it again, make sure I'm all healed.
I also want to be in better shape so the pregnancy and delivery are cake. I've done so well this week! I've ran 3 times, and today I plan on going again. Here's yesterday's track:
View 12/15/2010 in a larger map
I have to remind myself, "What's a few more months compared to the rest of your life with your child." It will save me a lot of stress and possibly help the pregnancy if I wait, I know. It's just this total selfish feeling that takes over. I'm going in tomorrow for an ultrasound and I know I'm going to see pregnant women there, or women with tiny little babies. It tears me up every time I have to go there.
I have to be strong! I have to think of the positives! I want a job first before we try again. I want to be finished with school first. I want to have at least a few cycles so we know when to try and we know that when we do try we'll be trying the right way. I want to make sure I am healthy first before trying again. I want to make sure my body can support a baby first before we jump right into it again, make sure I'm all healed.
I also want to be in better shape so the pregnancy and delivery are cake. I've done so well this week! I've ran 3 times, and today I plan on going again. Here's yesterday's track:
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Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Exercise = Energy = Feel Good!
View 12/14/2010 in a larger map
Today I went running by myself for the first time in the longest time. I really want to reach my weight loss goal of 115 by March 1st. I haven't seen that weight since high school and I'd love to be fit again. I just have to keep motivating myself and I know I can do it!
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| My weight loss log/goal. |
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| This week's exercise log. |
Not Pregnant.
There it is - my answer. I would have liked to hear something like 5000 rather than 20, but I have an answer either way. I still have no idea if this was a second miscarriage or if this is leftover from the first. My dr has said it could be either, and I'm not sure at this point if there's a way to tell the difference.
I am partly sad, of course, because we wanted a baby so bad (the "want" only got so bad after the first pregnancy) But mostly I am relieved. I don't feel confident in having a baby at this point. We are renting out half our house, we don't have enough money to buy even ourselves food let alone a baby, same with clothes. I'm going back to school and trying to get into a better job before we build a family.
I feel that once I have a job where I can work part time and afford my bills (which I should be able to do after school) and once we don't need roommates anymore, then we can start trying again. I know we can get pregnant, it was super easy the one month we tried things differently (different days in my cycle) So I know when I change my mind and want a baby again it won't take long.
I feel really good at the moment. I don't have to worry if everything is ok right now, I dont have to worry if I'm miscarrying again, I don't have to worry in general right now. I was stressing so horribly about what I ate, what I drank, how active I was (or wasn't) and everything in between. Going through all of that immediately following a miscarriage is harsh. So a word of wisdom from someone who has miscarried and whose dr said we could try right after - don't. Wait it out. Wait to at least have a cycle to figure things out. What's a few months waiting in the lifetime you'll have with your baby (even when they're not a baby anymore) It's sad I had to learn this now, but you know me! Impatient, needy, gotta have it NOW lol.
I still have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday and blood work Thursday. I asked my dr if I could keep both appointments. I want to follow my numbers back down to <5 this time so I KNOW the miscarriage is complete. I also want to see what the ultrasound will show. I want to see if everything came out as it should. I didn't pass that much tissue so its so hard to tell. I mean, I passed a TON of tissue the first time and apparently that wasn't enough (I'm still assuming this is all leftover from the first miscarriage) I don't want to go through all of this again anytime soon. I want to know my next cycle is a cycle, not a leftover miscarriage. I want to be back into my 32-37 day routine.
I feel pretty good right now. Although that's right now, at anytime I could have a mood swing and feel terrible. But right now I feel good. I know how to move forward at this point. I have read that the symptoms I had got stronger, or felt stronger, because of coming down from the numbers. Any fluctuations can make me feel different. Right now they are so low my symptoms should be letting go soon. I still feel pressure in my lower abdomen, like my uterus is still slightly expanded, so I feel like I have to pee still quite often. My boobs at the moment don't hurt but last night they had a big rush of pain and they're still huge. My mood feels elevated, not swinging. I don't feel nauseous. So all in all my symptoms are faded, as expected.
Today I'm going running. I felt so good yesterday and Friday after working out with Emily, it was SO what I needed. So I'm going to try again today by myself. It's a great stress release and now I know I can push myself without hurting anything. I know I can count my calories and not hurt anything. I can have some caffeine and not hurt anything. It was the "not knowing" that was driving me mad, not necessarily the outcome.
:)
I am partly sad, of course, because we wanted a baby so bad (the "want" only got so bad after the first pregnancy) But mostly I am relieved. I don't feel confident in having a baby at this point. We are renting out half our house, we don't have enough money to buy even ourselves food let alone a baby, same with clothes. I'm going back to school and trying to get into a better job before we build a family.
I feel that once I have a job where I can work part time and afford my bills (which I should be able to do after school) and once we don't need roommates anymore, then we can start trying again. I know we can get pregnant, it was super easy the one month we tried things differently (different days in my cycle) So I know when I change my mind and want a baby again it won't take long.
I feel really good at the moment. I don't have to worry if everything is ok right now, I dont have to worry if I'm miscarrying again, I don't have to worry in general right now. I was stressing so horribly about what I ate, what I drank, how active I was (or wasn't) and everything in between. Going through all of that immediately following a miscarriage is harsh. So a word of wisdom from someone who has miscarried and whose dr said we could try right after - don't. Wait it out. Wait to at least have a cycle to figure things out. What's a few months waiting in the lifetime you'll have with your baby (even when they're not a baby anymore) It's sad I had to learn this now, but you know me! Impatient, needy, gotta have it NOW lol.
I still have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday and blood work Thursday. I asked my dr if I could keep both appointments. I want to follow my numbers back down to <5 this time so I KNOW the miscarriage is complete. I also want to see what the ultrasound will show. I want to see if everything came out as it should. I didn't pass that much tissue so its so hard to tell. I mean, I passed a TON of tissue the first time and apparently that wasn't enough (I'm still assuming this is all leftover from the first miscarriage) I don't want to go through all of this again anytime soon. I want to know my next cycle is a cycle, not a leftover miscarriage. I want to be back into my 32-37 day routine.
I feel pretty good right now. Although that's right now, at anytime I could have a mood swing and feel terrible. But right now I feel good. I know how to move forward at this point. I have read that the symptoms I had got stronger, or felt stronger, because of coming down from the numbers. Any fluctuations can make me feel different. Right now they are so low my symptoms should be letting go soon. I still feel pressure in my lower abdomen, like my uterus is still slightly expanded, so I feel like I have to pee still quite often. My boobs at the moment don't hurt but last night they had a big rush of pain and they're still huge. My mood feels elevated, not swinging. I don't feel nauseous. So all in all my symptoms are faded, as expected.
Today I'm going running. I felt so good yesterday and Friday after working out with Emily, it was SO what I needed. So I'm going to try again today by myself. It's a great stress release and now I know I can push myself without hurting anything. I know I can count my calories and not hurt anything. I can have some caffeine and not hurt anything. It was the "not knowing" that was driving me mad, not necessarily the outcome.
:)
Monday, December 13, 2010
Ridiculous!
I've been waiting ALL DAY for these test results and STILL NOTHING!!! I'm going crazy! I did 6 loads of laundry, vacuumed the house, cleaned up kitty messes, cleaned our bedroom and bathroom from top to bottom, washed all the pillows and bedding in the house (including the couch stuff) I did dishes, took out trash, played some video games, exercised for an hour with my personal trainer, visited my hubby on his lunch at work, went grocery shopping, and have completely run out of things to keep me busy!
I've called now 10 times - without sarcasm. I've gotten a different person each time, so it's not like they are fed up with me calling so they're messing with me (I would SO do that to a customer :P haha) So I keep waiting!
The last person I spoke to said to call back later this evening, they may be in by then. Worst case scenario I'll call at 6am tomorrow before my doctor gets in then email her my questions about the results. I wanted time to think of my questions before she contacted me with her interpretations.
Regardless of all of this, I still have an ultrasound Friday and another blood test Thursday, so I'll know by the end of the week what's going on. But the WHOLE POINT of going in this morning was to get an answer ASAP!
I've called now 10 times - without sarcasm. I've gotten a different person each time, so it's not like they are fed up with me calling so they're messing with me (I would SO do that to a customer :P haha) So I keep waiting!
The last person I spoke to said to call back later this evening, they may be in by then. Worst case scenario I'll call at 6am tomorrow before my doctor gets in then email her my questions about the results. I wanted time to think of my questions before she contacted me with her interpretations.
Regardless of all of this, I still have an ultrasound Friday and another blood test Thursday, so I'll know by the end of the week what's going on. But the WHOLE POINT of going in this morning was to get an answer ASAP!
Nervousness
So I had my blood drawn around 8:22am (that's what time it was when we left)
My doctor emailed me and said it takes 2-4 hours, so I will call just to see if by chance it's ready just after 2 hours, so I set my alarm for 10:50am so I'm not constantly checking the time. Trying to keep myself busy until then. Going to do some laundry, some vacuuming, some deep cleaning.
I've been researching the levels of HCG and timelines of what they should (or on average should) read so many days apart. My first test was 47 then 3 days later it was 137 - that is a perfect example of the numbers doubling as they should. When the numbers are less than 1200 they should double every 48-72 hours, mine doubled on average every 46.6 hours then. According to a chart (Found Here) if I am pregnant, the numbers should read around 3000-7000. If they are much lower, it's likely I miscarried again (or wasn't pregnant to begin with) I'm going to ask the Advice Nurse when I call and get the results how she would interpret them based on my previous results.
I'm hoping they're up, obviously. But I'm trying to force myself to think low. I keep pushing the number "15" into my head, so if she says a number super high it's a surprise, not a brick in the face if it's low.
I'm trying so hard not to read any symptoms I have, or don't have. I can tell my body didn't get rid of everything, my abdomen still feels swollen, so I know SOME HCG will be there (obviously, I've still been getting positive pregnancy tests) My breasts don't hurt, and haven't hurt for several days. However, last time they hurt at first, it went away, then they started hurting incredibly bad around 7 weeks (I'm still estimating about 5 right now, if pregnant) when my numbers were sky-rocketing. So I shouldn't expect to have tons of symptoms.
The nausea lasted a few days then stopped. I was finally able to eat yesterday and this morning I'm hungry. I always feel like I need to pee but when I go there's not much there (not a urinary infection, no pain, just all of the sudden it feels like I have to go NOW - had that last pregnancy, too) and I'd expect that since my uterus isn't empty, there is (even if small) more pressure on my bladder still. My mood swings have been intense these last few days. I would feel like crying one minute, then very anxious the next, then happy and positive later, then back to wanting to cry. What drives me crazy is I don't know if that's from the HCG going UP or going DOWN.
The bleeding has completely stopped, it only lasted a couple days. No pain, just twinges (not very often, and not as strong as before) So it's impossible to interpret my symptoms as a good thing or bad thing - they're everywhere! They come and go, one day they're strong and the next they're completely transparent.
I'm hoping to get some sort of answer today. My doctor said she will review the results when she gets in tomorrow morning and we'll discuss it then (I'm going to email her after I get them to see what she says, have her call me or email me back) She hasn't canceled my ultrasound for Friday. I want to keep the appointment even if my numbers are very very low. I want to have the option for a D&C to remove everything from my uterus if I have indeed miscarried (I have read the numbers can be low and still have a good pregnancy, so to see it on an ultrasound will be a good thing both ways) I just don't want this to drag on. I want everything to be over with so I can move past all of this.
It's hard because I don't know how I should feel. Should I be excited for a baby? Should I start grieving for another miscarriage? Should I simply move on because this is still from the previous miscarriage? I can't plan how to move on if I don't know what's happening.
It's now 9:08, I'll try calling in about an hour and 40 minutes. Will obviously update again about what the results are.
My doctor emailed me and said it takes 2-4 hours, so I will call just to see if by chance it's ready just after 2 hours, so I set my alarm for 10:50am so I'm not constantly checking the time. Trying to keep myself busy until then. Going to do some laundry, some vacuuming, some deep cleaning.
I've been researching the levels of HCG and timelines of what they should (or on average should) read so many days apart. My first test was 47 then 3 days later it was 137 - that is a perfect example of the numbers doubling as they should. When the numbers are less than 1200 they should double every 48-72 hours, mine doubled on average every 46.6 hours then. According to a chart (Found Here) if I am pregnant, the numbers should read around 3000-7000. If they are much lower, it's likely I miscarried again (or wasn't pregnant to begin with) I'm going to ask the Advice Nurse when I call and get the results how she would interpret them based on my previous results.
I'm hoping they're up, obviously. But I'm trying to force myself to think low. I keep pushing the number "15" into my head, so if she says a number super high it's a surprise, not a brick in the face if it's low.
I'm trying so hard not to read any symptoms I have, or don't have. I can tell my body didn't get rid of everything, my abdomen still feels swollen, so I know SOME HCG will be there (obviously, I've still been getting positive pregnancy tests) My breasts don't hurt, and haven't hurt for several days. However, last time they hurt at first, it went away, then they started hurting incredibly bad around 7 weeks (I'm still estimating about 5 right now, if pregnant) when my numbers were sky-rocketing. So I shouldn't expect to have tons of symptoms.
The nausea lasted a few days then stopped. I was finally able to eat yesterday and this morning I'm hungry. I always feel like I need to pee but when I go there's not much there (not a urinary infection, no pain, just all of the sudden it feels like I have to go NOW - had that last pregnancy, too) and I'd expect that since my uterus isn't empty, there is (even if small) more pressure on my bladder still. My mood swings have been intense these last few days. I would feel like crying one minute, then very anxious the next, then happy and positive later, then back to wanting to cry. What drives me crazy is I don't know if that's from the HCG going UP or going DOWN.
The bleeding has completely stopped, it only lasted a couple days. No pain, just twinges (not very often, and not as strong as before) So it's impossible to interpret my symptoms as a good thing or bad thing - they're everywhere! They come and go, one day they're strong and the next they're completely transparent.
I'm hoping to get some sort of answer today. My doctor said she will review the results when she gets in tomorrow morning and we'll discuss it then (I'm going to email her after I get them to see what she says, have her call me or email me back) She hasn't canceled my ultrasound for Friday. I want to keep the appointment even if my numbers are very very low. I want to have the option for a D&C to remove everything from my uterus if I have indeed miscarried (I have read the numbers can be low and still have a good pregnancy, so to see it on an ultrasound will be a good thing both ways) I just don't want this to drag on. I want everything to be over with so I can move past all of this.
It's hard because I don't know how I should feel. Should I be excited for a baby? Should I start grieving for another miscarriage? Should I simply move on because this is still from the previous miscarriage? I can't plan how to move on if I don't know what's happening.
It's now 9:08, I'll try calling in about an hour and 40 minutes. Will obviously update again about what the results are.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tomorrow
So my doctor emailed me back already, said she put in for another beta-Hcg test for tomorrow, said I can go in first thing. I guess the results will be in by tomorrow sometime, she told me, "You can call the advice nurse to discuss your results or I will be in Tuesday and we can discuss them then." I will go in when the doors open at 7am and will try calling around noon to see if they are in yet. If not, I'll wait until around 5, then around 8. The advice line is available 24/7 so unless the results aren't turned in until early Tuesday morning I should get them tomorrow some time. I'm not necessarily nervous about what the answers will be, I'm just nervous about getting the answer. I can't wait!
It's driving me insane not knowing what on earth is happening to me. Am I pregnant? Was I ever pregnant? Did I miscarry? I took 2 more pregnancy tests, still positive (with a VERY diluted sample, so this morning's faint positive doesn't mean anything, faint or not) I can't use those as any proof of anything. Only the numbers will speak for me. I wish there was a home device you could use to determine the numbers yourself, like prick your finger or something and it tells you the HCG in your system, like that of diabetic devices. That would save so many doctors so many headaches from patients like me begging to be tested ONE MORE TIME lol.
This time just feels so different. The bleeding has stopped completely, I haven't passed any more tissue today. Not since yesterday. There's no more pain. The nausea is less today, but I can't look into my symptoms much either as they will mean anything at any time. I could have had some of the flu for all I knew. Plus it seems worse in the evening. It's not evening yet.
Talking things through makes me feel better, so I'm repeating myself over and over. Sorting everything out again and again, just in case I missed something.
It's driving me insane not knowing what on earth is happening to me. Am I pregnant? Was I ever pregnant? Did I miscarry? I took 2 more pregnancy tests, still positive (with a VERY diluted sample, so this morning's faint positive doesn't mean anything, faint or not) I can't use those as any proof of anything. Only the numbers will speak for me. I wish there was a home device you could use to determine the numbers yourself, like prick your finger or something and it tells you the HCG in your system, like that of diabetic devices. That would save so many doctors so many headaches from patients like me begging to be tested ONE MORE TIME lol.
This time just feels so different. The bleeding has stopped completely, I haven't passed any more tissue today. Not since yesterday. There's no more pain. The nausea is less today, but I can't look into my symptoms much either as they will mean anything at any time. I could have had some of the flu for all I knew. Plus it seems worse in the evening. It's not evening yet.
Talking things through makes me feel better, so I'm repeating myself over and over. Sorting everything out again and again, just in case I missed something.
Doesn't help...
I took a pregnancy test today just to see what happened and got a VERY FAINT positive on one of the early result tests. This test gave me a DARK positive when my HCG levels were low. So, either my levels are incredibly low or the test doesn't have much dye in it (I've read either are possible, not every test is the same even out of the same box) I just don't get how my levels can be so low when I haven't lost that much tissue. I suppose I could have lost the primary source that was pushing out the HCG the other day, the main reason for being pregnant, and I've been coming down from the levels since.
What doesn't make sense is the new nausea I have. Perhaps I got the flu???
I haven't thrown up at all, just everything I can smell makes me want to. I don't have a fever, I don't have chills or shakes. Just a nausea that kicks in when I think of food. I still have a "full" feeling in my lower abdomen, so I haven't lost a lot of tissue, my uterus is still full. It would only stay full if my HCG levels were up, preventing my body from pushing out the tissue.
Again I'm driving myself insane with symptoms that could mean nothing. I have to be patient for blood work which will tell me with out a doubt what's going on.
My levels rose from 47 to 137 in 3 days over a week ago. If they come back anywhere near those numbers, I'm miscarrying again (or wasn't pregnant) WHICH IS FINE - at least I'll know what the heck is going on. However, if I am pregnant again and didn't miscarry I would expect them to come back anywhere between 400 and 1000. So long as 137 has at least tripled it would mean pregnant.
I'm hoping it's as easy as that. I just need a number! Tell me what's happening!
I've been trying to explain to my husband why I'm so obsessed with this. He just doesn't get it, gets frustrated and irritated with me when I try to talk about it. Venting makes me feel better. The feeling of not knowing if I'm carrying something dead, alive, something that died over a month ago, not carrying anything at all, it drives me mad. I don't know how to treat myself. Again, the idea that I could be carrying something dead or alive inside of me is crazy. Or that I may be carrying nothing at all! I feel like my head is going to explode....
What doesn't make sense is the new nausea I have. Perhaps I got the flu???
I haven't thrown up at all, just everything I can smell makes me want to. I don't have a fever, I don't have chills or shakes. Just a nausea that kicks in when I think of food. I still have a "full" feeling in my lower abdomen, so I haven't lost a lot of tissue, my uterus is still full. It would only stay full if my HCG levels were up, preventing my body from pushing out the tissue.
Again I'm driving myself insane with symptoms that could mean nothing. I have to be patient for blood work which will tell me with out a doubt what's going on.
My levels rose from 47 to 137 in 3 days over a week ago. If they come back anywhere near those numbers, I'm miscarrying again (or wasn't pregnant) WHICH IS FINE - at least I'll know what the heck is going on. However, if I am pregnant again and didn't miscarry I would expect them to come back anywhere between 400 and 1000. So long as 137 has at least tripled it would mean pregnant.
I'm hoping it's as easy as that. I just need a number! Tell me what's happening!
I've been trying to explain to my husband why I'm so obsessed with this. He just doesn't get it, gets frustrated and irritated with me when I try to talk about it. Venting makes me feel better. The feeling of not knowing if I'm carrying something dead, alive, something that died over a month ago, not carrying anything at all, it drives me mad. I don't know how to treat myself. Again, the idea that I could be carrying something dead or alive inside of me is crazy. Or that I may be carrying nothing at all! I feel like my head is going to explode....
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Confused more than ever!
So I don't understand this. My pregnancy symptoms are all still here. They are worse, if anything. I now have severe nausea with any smells. My roommate just made dinner and I think I'm going to gag. I couldn't eat the brownies I made yesterday and I LOVE brownies. I had a roast beef sandwich today and it made me gag. It was just wheat bread, meat, and mayo and I about threw it up!
I have the twinges again today. No pains, no cramps, just twinges. My boobs are hurting more and more today. The bleeding is still there, although less. I passed a little more tissue today but it's nowhere near what it was when I miscarried before. Today just specs.
Here are the scenarios I found online as to what could possibly be going on:
1: I was pregnant with twins and miscarried one, so I'm still pregnant.
2: I didn't completely finish the first miscarriage, a tiny speck hung on and my body treated it like a new conception so I had all of the signs of a new pregnancy: rise from 0 HCG levels, implantation bleeding (which wouldn't make sense as nothing would be implanting.... hmm, here's a hole in this theory) all new pregnancy symptoms, then when my body realizes there's no baby it tries to get rid of it - except it hasn't gotten rid of enough still... ???
3: The above scenario except my body is having a hard time getting rid of it, and it will be a slow process.
4: I did get pregnant again and am miscarrying the second pregnancy, but my body is taking it's time unlike the first where it got rid of the entire contents of my uterus within 2 days.
Again, I could go to the ER to see what my HCG levels read. That would tell me if I'm at least pregnant again, so long as the levels are rising.
It will cost money to do that, though. I don't have money. I can wait until Thursday/Friday when my appointment is. We should be able to find out at least SOMETHING. A week and a half will have gone by since my last ultrasound. We will be able to see a new pregnancy by then, more than just a thickened uterus. My HCG levels will be in by then and we'll be able to tell if it's a new pregnancy, a new miscarriage, etc.
So, I'm going to treat myself like I'm pregnant until I know for sure what's going on. This is driving me mad! Absolutely crazy!!
I have the twinges again today. No pains, no cramps, just twinges. My boobs are hurting more and more today. The bleeding is still there, although less. I passed a little more tissue today but it's nowhere near what it was when I miscarried before. Today just specs.
Here are the scenarios I found online as to what could possibly be going on:
1: I was pregnant with twins and miscarried one, so I'm still pregnant.
2: I didn't completely finish the first miscarriage, a tiny speck hung on and my body treated it like a new conception so I had all of the signs of a new pregnancy: rise from 0 HCG levels, implantation bleeding (which wouldn't make sense as nothing would be implanting.... hmm, here's a hole in this theory) all new pregnancy symptoms, then when my body realizes there's no baby it tries to get rid of it - except it hasn't gotten rid of enough still... ???
3: The above scenario except my body is having a hard time getting rid of it, and it will be a slow process.
4: I did get pregnant again and am miscarrying the second pregnancy, but my body is taking it's time unlike the first where it got rid of the entire contents of my uterus within 2 days.
Again, I could go to the ER to see what my HCG levels read. That would tell me if I'm at least pregnant again, so long as the levels are rising.
It will cost money to do that, though. I don't have money. I can wait until Thursday/Friday when my appointment is. We should be able to find out at least SOMETHING. A week and a half will have gone by since my last ultrasound. We will be able to see a new pregnancy by then, more than just a thickened uterus. My HCG levels will be in by then and we'll be able to tell if it's a new pregnancy, a new miscarriage, etc.
So, I'm going to treat myself like I'm pregnant until I know for sure what's going on. This is driving me mad! Absolutely crazy!!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Pain
So some pain is starting to kick in. I was expecting it. I haven't felt like myself all day long. That was the first thing I told Devin this morning, that something wasn't right. I finally ate something, only thing that doesn't sound nauseating was Spaghettios, so I had a can of that. I made brownies last night and they sound awful right now. I don't feel emotionally distraught, so it's not that. I can always eat when I'm emotional. Food just sounds bad and yucky today. I also feel exhausted. I've been stressing soooo much about this pregnancy stuff for over a month now. Every time I sit down at the computer I think of something to look up, something to google, something to ask, something to try and find out about pregnancy and miscarriage. Suddenly it's hours later and I haven't found out anything of importance, or my mind gets even more locked up.
Again, I feel like if I'm going to miscarry, just do it already! I hate this feeling of not knowing. I can't be hopeful because it will only make it hurt more later. I can't get attached at all in any way, or it's a nightmare and I will never want babies again. At least if I miscarry and KNOW it's a miscarriage, I'll know what's going on. I can move on. I can start waiting for a cycle. I'm ready to just have time without pregnancy, without babies, without Google.
I could always go to the ER and have an ultrasound and blood test done immediately. I've always been advised to do so in the event of bleeding or passing tissue during pregnancy. I just feel it will make things worse, having a quick test with someone who doesn't know my situation rather than having a full exam with my doctor. If the bleeding gets worse my doctor also said I can call and push my appointment up as it may need immediate attention, like last time. I know they can't do anything regardless, so what's the point in making them cancel someone else's appointment just to see me, when they can't do anything for me. I may find out sooner something, but it won't help.
Ugh I don't know.
I'm thoroughly exhausted. And I'm getting cramps. As soon as I see more tissue and KNOW it's a miscarriage, I'm taking Pamprin. Until then, no pain relievers just in case.
Again, I feel like if I'm going to miscarry, just do it already! I hate this feeling of not knowing. I can't be hopeful because it will only make it hurt more later. I can't get attached at all in any way, or it's a nightmare and I will never want babies again. At least if I miscarry and KNOW it's a miscarriage, I'll know what's going on. I can move on. I can start waiting for a cycle. I'm ready to just have time without pregnancy, without babies, without Google.
I could always go to the ER and have an ultrasound and blood test done immediately. I've always been advised to do so in the event of bleeding or passing tissue during pregnancy. I just feel it will make things worse, having a quick test with someone who doesn't know my situation rather than having a full exam with my doctor. If the bleeding gets worse my doctor also said I can call and push my appointment up as it may need immediate attention, like last time. I know they can't do anything regardless, so what's the point in making them cancel someone else's appointment just to see me, when they can't do anything for me. I may find out sooner something, but it won't help.
Ugh I don't know.
I'm thoroughly exhausted. And I'm getting cramps. As soon as I see more tissue and KNOW it's a miscarriage, I'm taking Pamprin. Until then, no pain relievers just in case.
I don't know STILL
This time is so different. Last time I had horrible cramps followed by heavy, intense bleeding. Last time I passed so much tissue I thought my whole intestines were coming loose. I immediately felt like I wasn't pregnant anymore last time. I felt empty.
I don't know what's happening this time. I don't have cramps. I have some mild pains that feel as though I took a bunch of pain medication and the cramps are blocked, except I didn't. They're just not there. No pain. The bleeding is fairly mild, I'm not soaking through anything like before. And I'm not passing tons of tissue. The 2 pieces this morning then another piece this afternoon. All in all it's all probably the size of 3 marbles, and all in pieces rather than one big mass.
I just don't know. At this point, I hope I'm not pregnant anymore. At least then I'll know what's going on. I want a baby more than anything, but I can't handle the stress and "not knowing" and the physical pains and still have nothing to show for it. I know one day we'll have a happy healthy baby, and it will all be worth it. Right now, something is just wrong.
I have blood work scheduled next Thursday and another ultrasound scheduled Friday to see what's going on. To see if I'm still pregnant, to see if it's all just from the previous miscarriage, to find out anything we can.
I just feel numb this time.
I don't know what's happening this time. I don't have cramps. I have some mild pains that feel as though I took a bunch of pain medication and the cramps are blocked, except I didn't. They're just not there. No pain. The bleeding is fairly mild, I'm not soaking through anything like before. And I'm not passing tons of tissue. The 2 pieces this morning then another piece this afternoon. All in all it's all probably the size of 3 marbles, and all in pieces rather than one big mass.
I just don't know. At this point, I hope I'm not pregnant anymore. At least then I'll know what's going on. I want a baby more than anything, but I can't handle the stress and "not knowing" and the physical pains and still have nothing to show for it. I know one day we'll have a happy healthy baby, and it will all be worth it. Right now, something is just wrong.
I have blood work scheduled next Thursday and another ultrasound scheduled Friday to see what's going on. To see if I'm still pregnant, to see if it's all just from the previous miscarriage, to find out anything we can.
I just feel numb this time.
Definitely.
I just started passing tissue. So far it's two marble sized pieces, one had a clear-ish lump in it which I'm assuming is.........
My doctor is having me go in for another blood test next week the day before I go in for an ultrasound, so we can go over everything together. She wants to make sure this "was" a new pregnancy and not still from the miscarriage.
I am hoping this is from the previous miscarriage... 2 miscarriages in a row??? So far I'm not upset, just thoroughly confused. I'm happy my doctor is helping.
My doctor is having me go in for another blood test next week the day before I go in for an ultrasound, so we can go over everything together. She wants to make sure this "was" a new pregnancy and not still from the miscarriage.
I am hoping this is from the previous miscarriage... 2 miscarriages in a row??? So far I'm not upset, just thoroughly confused. I'm happy my doctor is helping.
I really think so...
I feel I may be miscarrying again. Not just the fear of miscarrying, but really miscarrying. As I said in my previous post I've been bleeding since Wednesday off and on. Today it's heavier. It started sometime during the night and isn't getting any lighter, although it's not any heavier. There's no tissue and no cramps yet. When I use the bathroom I can feel my insides pushing. My first thoughts are, "If I'm going to miscarry, just do it now. Please don't make me wait."
The pressure on the one side seems a bit stronger, although it could be in my mind. I feel a bit sad, but not like last time. Although last time it didn't hit me until I saw and felt the tissue pass. I completely cracked last time after I saw and felt everything. This time I feel I may not take it as hard as last time. Last time I was farther along. I bought a pregnancy journal. I started learning all of the interesting facts about pregnancy. This time I already know the facts. I haven't bought a journal yet (just in case) I haven't really announced it to as many people yet. I haven't made any plans for this pregnancy.
Last time I already had a list of names. I was so oblivious to the fact that I might lose the baby. I really had no idea. No one did. This time I am prepared. I haven't gotten excited yet about it. I've just been worried and waiting the whole time.
So far I just feel... different. I feel like something is wrong. Maybe it will pass, maybe it will get worse. I've learned that researching until I can't see straight anymore doesn't help. I have to let my body do what it's going to do and just wait.
So right now I'm not waiting for the bleeding to stop. I'm waiting for what seems imminent.
The pressure on the one side seems a bit stronger, although it could be in my mind. I feel a bit sad, but not like last time. Although last time it didn't hit me until I saw and felt the tissue pass. I completely cracked last time after I saw and felt everything. This time I feel I may not take it as hard as last time. Last time I was farther along. I bought a pregnancy journal. I started learning all of the interesting facts about pregnancy. This time I already know the facts. I haven't bought a journal yet (just in case) I haven't really announced it to as many people yet. I haven't made any plans for this pregnancy.
Last time I already had a list of names. I was so oblivious to the fact that I might lose the baby. I really had no idea. No one did. This time I am prepared. I haven't gotten excited yet about it. I've just been worried and waiting the whole time.
So far I just feel... different. I feel like something is wrong. Maybe it will pass, maybe it will get worse. I've learned that researching until I can't see straight anymore doesn't help. I have to let my body do what it's going to do and just wait.
So right now I'm not waiting for the bleeding to stop. I'm waiting for what seems imminent.
I don't know...
So I emailed my doctor today. I've had some bleeding over the last few days. I had none at all from November 30th through December 8th. The morning of the 8th there was dark pink spotting. After my ultrasound it turned dark red with flecks of tissue in it, only for about an hour, then it eased up again to the dark pink. Thursday morning there was more dark red blood, again for a few hours then eased up. This morning upon waking I noticed I had bled overnight, not a lot, but again dark dark red. As of right now I don't have any cramps, just some pressure on one side. I'm worried and I'm not. I'm worried because of course I'm bleeding. I'm not because there's no cramping. Last time I experienced the heavy cramping first, then started to bleed. So I don't know. I know the doctor can't do anything if I am miscarrying again, I just wanted to see what her advice would be.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
There we go! Much better!
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| Finally a dark positive! 12/09/10 |
Spotting again today. If it doesn't stop by tomorrow evening I'll email my doctor. I feel it's from the ultrasound, but want to make sure my cervix is closed up ok. So, all in all, I'm still pregnant :P SO anxious for my next appointment in 19 days. That will be the moment of truth!
Another faint positive test.
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| 12/9/10 - A bit darker with a more concentrated sample - but still faint. |
So today I'll go to Wal-Mart and pick up a box of a more expensive brand and test tomorrow again. The first test I took was a name brand but was a very early test, so I'd expect it to be light. But by now, over a week later, they should be darker. Come to think of it, I didn't use any dollar tree brand ones with my last pregnancy. I just used them to confirm negative results after the miscarriage. So it may just be that these are lighter tests all together. Hmm.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Doctor's Visit
Just got home from my appointment. She did an ultrasound, as I hoped. She said my uterus is thickened, which is expected in early pregnancy. She's trying to play it safe and tells me it might just be from the miscarriage still, but that it more than likely is a new pregnancy. I spoke more to the advice nurses, so she doesn't have every itty bitty detail necessarily. Once I told her more details she was more confident this is a new pregnancy.
She couldn't see much on the ultrasound today, which is expected. She scheduled me another one for December 28th. She wanted one in about 2 weeks but the next available date is 20 days away. In a way it's a good thing so we can definitely make sure everything is ok at the next appointment, and not have to come back yet again after another 2 agonizing weeks in hopes to see more.
I started spotting again today (of all days!) this morning before my appointment. I told her and she said it's normal so long as it isn't heavy or accompanied by bad cramps (which I'm completely in tune with! I SO remember the feeling last time!) To keep myself from getting my hopes up I'm going to assume I am earlier in my pregnancy. According to when we tried this last month I could have gotten pregnant as late as November 19th, 2 days after we last tried. Which would make more sense that I'm earlier than previously thought.
So assuming I conceived as late as November 19th, I should be about 4 weeks and 5 days, give or take a few days. Here's hoping!!
She couldn't see much on the ultrasound today, which is expected. She scheduled me another one for December 28th. She wanted one in about 2 weeks but the next available date is 20 days away. In a way it's a good thing so we can definitely make sure everything is ok at the next appointment, and not have to come back yet again after another 2 agonizing weeks in hopes to see more.
I started spotting again today (of all days!) this morning before my appointment. I told her and she said it's normal so long as it isn't heavy or accompanied by bad cramps (which I'm completely in tune with! I SO remember the feeling last time!) To keep myself from getting my hopes up I'm going to assume I am earlier in my pregnancy. According to when we tried this last month I could have gotten pregnant as late as November 19th, 2 days after we last tried. Which would make more sense that I'm earlier than previously thought.
So assuming I conceived as late as November 19th, I should be about 4 weeks and 5 days, give or take a few days. Here's hoping!!
Scared, Nervous, Anxious, Excited, but mostly Scared!
My appointment is at 11:30am this morning. Right now it's 8:50am. I'm going to take a long shower, flat iron my hair, put on some make up, get myself all prettied up - because it will take me about that long. I'm so unbelievably nervous I can't think straight. My stomach is full of butterflies. I have read online that fetal heartbeat can occasionally be seen as early as 5 weeks pregnant, but not often. Usually you must wait until at least 6 weeks, even into 7 weeks before you'll see anything - depending on the equipment. So I have to try my hardest to not get my hopes up for seeing a heart beat today.
I should be able to find out roughly how far along I am, though. I have read it could be off by about a week or so. But they should give me a due date today. I am just so nervous about what they'll find, or not find... I keep seeing online women who have an empty sac, or find out they are about to miscarry, or the baby has a very low heart beat the first reading. I have to remind myself that everything is going to be ok. Hope for the best! This pregnancy is different already, I can feel it. I haven't had any bleeding for over a week now, and that's a VERY good sign. Last time I bled the whole time, all the way through the 8 weeks.
This time has to be the one.
I should be able to find out roughly how far along I am, though. I have read it could be off by about a week or so. But they should give me a due date today. I am just so nervous about what they'll find, or not find... I keep seeing online women who have an empty sac, or find out they are about to miscarry, or the baby has a very low heart beat the first reading. I have to remind myself that everything is going to be ok. Hope for the best! This pregnancy is different already, I can feel it. I haven't had any bleeding for over a week now, and that's a VERY good sign. Last time I bled the whole time, all the way through the 8 weeks.
This time has to be the one.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Anxious and Nervous - Vivid Dreams
Last night my symptoms picked back up again. I think what makes me feel worried is that when I'm not experiencing those faint twinges/cramps I don't "feel" pregnant. My breasts will hurt and the moodiness is there but they feel like normal PMS as opposed to the different symptoms I've had with pregnancy. Those twinges are constant reminders that I'm pregnant. I've had them throughout this morning like clock work, so I feel pretty good today about how things are going. Still no bleeding or bad cramping, so all must be well.
I'm anxious for my appointment tomorrow at 11:30am (thank goodness it's early in the morning - last time my appointment was at 4:10pm and I about died of anticipation!) I'm really hoping they do an ultrasound - my sister said that was the only thing she would think they could do at this stage. If they do decide to do an ultrasound it should help shed some light on how far along I actually am. With the timing of the positive pregnancy tests I know I am at least 4 weeks. Likely going into week 5 right about now. If that's the case, they may be able to see the gestational sac. Depending on the doctors equipment will determine if we see a heart beat or not. When we went in at 8 weeks last time she said the sac was the size of a 5-6 week old, so I know they can see the sac that early.
Crossing my fingers they can tell me how far along I am! Hoping to be able to see a heartbeat soon! Once we see a heartbeat the likelihood of miscarriage drops down to 3%. I have to keep in mind they may not see a heart beat because it's so early and because their machinery might not be advanced enough. I'm sure they will schedule another visit if they don't see one yet, or if they can't see the gestational sac.
I've been having some rather vivid dreams lately, as well as all the other symptoms. Vivid as in when I wake up I swear the event honestly happened. My dream last night started kind of hazy, I was somewhere where it was snowing and a storm was coming. I got into a truck with a man and somehow, after some unknown event, we were fighting over a gun and he got shot in the chest. Then my dream cut to a different scene where I was walking with some friends (people I have never met in real life) and we stumbled across the truck, which was covered in leaves and snow. So the friends called the police. Somehow I was arrested and was placed with a large group of other people my age in a brick room.
A bald man approached me and started telling me how they were going to prosecute me for the murder of the man in the truck but they had no evidence, so I would likely go free. I watched as one person after another was called into a separate room. Each one began to sob uncontrollably when their name was called. I felt incredibly anxious and nervous. Finally my name was called so I went into the next room, where there was a line of people waiting in front of a judge and jury. I couldn't hear what anyone was saying, I just remember I was very cold and very upset. The bald man who approached me earlier came back to me and placed a light grey sweater around me.
When I put it on the right sleeve had orange stains, splatters, all up the side. Supposedly it was blood that turned orange after trying to wash it. I looked up at the bald man who shook his head at me with this look of complete sorrow for me. In my dream I started crying uncontrollably because that sweater was the evidence, and that means I was guilty, so I would never see my family again. At this point I woke up and felt incredibly sad, guilty, and unbelievably depressed. It took me a while to shake the dream and feel like myself. So strange!
I'm anxious for my appointment tomorrow at 11:30am (thank goodness it's early in the morning - last time my appointment was at 4:10pm and I about died of anticipation!) I'm really hoping they do an ultrasound - my sister said that was the only thing she would think they could do at this stage. If they do decide to do an ultrasound it should help shed some light on how far along I actually am. With the timing of the positive pregnancy tests I know I am at least 4 weeks. Likely going into week 5 right about now. If that's the case, they may be able to see the gestational sac. Depending on the doctors equipment will determine if we see a heart beat or not. When we went in at 8 weeks last time she said the sac was the size of a 5-6 week old, so I know they can see the sac that early.
Crossing my fingers they can tell me how far along I am! Hoping to be able to see a heartbeat soon! Once we see a heartbeat the likelihood of miscarriage drops down to 3%. I have to keep in mind they may not see a heart beat because it's so early and because their machinery might not be advanced enough. I'm sure they will schedule another visit if they don't see one yet, or if they can't see the gestational sac.
I've been having some rather vivid dreams lately, as well as all the other symptoms. Vivid as in when I wake up I swear the event honestly happened. My dream last night started kind of hazy, I was somewhere where it was snowing and a storm was coming. I got into a truck with a man and somehow, after some unknown event, we were fighting over a gun and he got shot in the chest. Then my dream cut to a different scene where I was walking with some friends (people I have never met in real life) and we stumbled across the truck, which was covered in leaves and snow. So the friends called the police. Somehow I was arrested and was placed with a large group of other people my age in a brick room.
A bald man approached me and started telling me how they were going to prosecute me for the murder of the man in the truck but they had no evidence, so I would likely go free. I watched as one person after another was called into a separate room. Each one began to sob uncontrollably when their name was called. I felt incredibly anxious and nervous. Finally my name was called so I went into the next room, where there was a line of people waiting in front of a judge and jury. I couldn't hear what anyone was saying, I just remember I was very cold and very upset. The bald man who approached me earlier came back to me and placed a light grey sweater around me.
When I put it on the right sleeve had orange stains, splatters, all up the side. Supposedly it was blood that turned orange after trying to wash it. I looked up at the bald man who shook his head at me with this look of complete sorrow for me. In my dream I started crying uncontrollably because that sweater was the evidence, and that means I was guilty, so I would never see my family again. At this point I woke up and felt incredibly sad, guilty, and unbelievably depressed. It took me a while to shake the dream and feel like myself. So strange!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Paranoia
As I expected, the paranoia has kicked in. With my miscarriage, I noted my symptoms started to diminish a week prior to when the bleeding and cramping started. I haven't really had much cramping since yesterday morning, so it causes me some concern. However, this time I have zero bleeding or spotting. That stopped last week Monday. My first pregnancy I had spotting the whole way through, up until 8 weeks. So I'll take the fact that it stopped completely as a good sign this time. Plus my HCG numbers are going up (or they were last week)
I'm so nervous that the lesser cramps (rather, twinges) means the same as my first miscarriage. I have to take into account how early it is in the pregnancy, though. My symptoms peaked last time when I was about 6 weeks pregnant. I hadn't noticed them prior to that (we found out we were pregnant at 5 weeks) So for me to look into these symptoms so much now when we could be very early in the pregnancy still isn't a good thing. I need to be patient and stay positive.
I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday. I am hoping they will do an ultrasound and see how far along I am (if possible, it may be too early in the pregnancy to tell yet) Otherwise I'll probably have to wait another week for another appointment. I know now why they tell you to wait a cycle to try again! Even I can't stand not knowing how far along I should be!
I'm so nervous that the lesser cramps (rather, twinges) means the same as my first miscarriage. I have to take into account how early it is in the pregnancy, though. My symptoms peaked last time when I was about 6 weeks pregnant. I hadn't noticed them prior to that (we found out we were pregnant at 5 weeks) So for me to look into these symptoms so much now when we could be very early in the pregnancy still isn't a good thing. I need to be patient and stay positive.
I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday. I am hoping they will do an ultrasound and see how far along I am (if possible, it may be too early in the pregnancy to tell yet) Otherwise I'll probably have to wait another week for another appointment. I know now why they tell you to wait a cycle to try again! Even I can't stand not knowing how far along I should be!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Yup, still positive!
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| Another positive - This one taken at night with a diluted sample. |
Friday, December 3, 2010
Fourth positive pregnancy test and some good news!
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| This time it's darker! |
Today's test is much more positive. I'm trying to wait as long as I can before calling the Advice Nurse back to see if my results are in. I don't want to annoy them or seem impatient, but I'm dying to know what my new readings are! I'll save this post as a draft and come back to it if I get some results. It's 12:45pm right now.
2:45pm
From 47 to 137!! My levels are rising! I can and can't believe it! I can because I see it, I can't because this is such a shock! This is so wonderful! That means that everything is as it should be right now. The baby has implanted, my pregnancy hormones are going up, my body is working to keep the baby, and when the levels go up it means the baby is still alive.
So hopeful!!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Once again.
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| 3rd Faint Positive |
The doctors office called me back yesterday afternoon and scheduled another blood test for later today as well as a visit with my doctor next week Wednesday. I had another positive pregnancy test today. I feel that seeing the two lines reassures me, keeps me from forgetting I'm pregnant again. I know it won't just go away, but it helps me to see it.
As I said before, I've had quite a few symptoms. They are rather mild still, slowly picking up. I can't wait until they are all there and I can really see/feel pregnant. I was irritated by the symptoms the first time, but after having lost it I am cherishing them more than ever now. I see how precious life is and how easily it can and will be taken away. I'm hoping with all my strength this one keeps going the way it is.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Here we go...
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| Faint positive - 2nd |
Here it is, another incredibly faint positive using a different brand completely (hooray for dollar tree!) I'm so shocked and dumbfounded. What the heck is going on?
*dials Advice Nurse* -Please hold....
So after speaking with the Advice Nurse, it turns out this is not from the miscarriage. I'm pregnant! My HCG level on Monday was at 47. Elevated! The nurse sent an email to my dr's office explaining everything so we can find out what to do next.
I'm pregnant! I can't believe it! I mean we tried, but I told myself it was impossible, that it would NOT happen this month. What the heck are the odds! Oh my gosh!! I'm pregnant!
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