Good Mood!

I feel pretty good today. I've managed to ease my anticipation with a daily PG test anyways, to see if I can get an accurate reading soon. I know I'll be angry with myself if I make myself wait 14 days and I get a positive knowing I could have gotten one much sooner.

Besides that, I feel positive about getting a negative. I actually don't mind trying this time. There's no pressure. I enjoy it :P I know my hubby isn't as upset with me as the last time we tried, which was immediately following the miscarriage.

So I feel good, even if we aren't pregnant yet. I really wouldn't mind trying again for a few more months in a row :P I know it will happen when my body thinks I'm ready! I know my body is amazing, to have dealt with everything the way it did, to be healthy and work with me rather than making all of this more difficult. So I trust my body will do this when it's ready!

Tests

They said they've shipped my pregnancy tests today! I should get them within 1-3 business days :P

I've been doing a lot of looking around online at when women started getting positive tests and really, it depends on the woman and the baby. A lot of pregnancy test websites have an area for positive test images and have a paragraph from each person stating when they took the test, how long they've been taking that particular test, what other tests they've used, etc. There were a few that were able to get positives super early, like 7-12DPO. Most, though, don't get positives until they've missed their period (so 14DPO-ish) and some didn't get any until about 20 DPO. It's all based on the amount of HCG in your system. There are no normal amounts for any time frame. Just as long as the number doubles its self every 48 hours or so it's considered healthy and less of a chance of miscarriage.

My first pregnancy I didn't take a test until 4 days after a missed period, so of course it was positive. However, that was 24 DPO. I was already 5 weeks pregnant when I took my first test. I KNEW I was pregnant, but didn't have the chance or privacy to take one until then because of our trip to Hawaii. I wasn't going to start taking pregnancy tests while I was visiting my Grandma! lol

I'm just hoping that, if I AM pregnant again already, that my levels will go up quick enough for me to see it early on a test. My plan is to test every day through the date my period is due, which is February 15th (for a 35 day cycle) I've already taken 2 tests for a website that lets you plot out each day you take a test and announces when you've finally gotten a positive on a specific test, like how early that particular test will give you a positive result. This is with the Clear Blue Easy Digital test. I'm only at 4DPO today so it's impossible to get a positive. But you never know!

Once I get the other tests in the mail I'll have a better chance of seeing an early positive result. Until then, I'm taking these JUST IN CASE :P

If I have no symptoms and still ALL negative tests by the time my period is due, I'll assume it's negative and prepare to start trying again next month :P I want to make it a little more special :P Having it planned out a little better should help out.

Online Purchase

I found online a website that sells early detection pregnancy tests that can read down to 10 miu/ml HCG. The tests I have currently only claim 50 miu/ml but online it says 25. With the ones I purchased online I can get a more accurate reading between days 7-10 past ovulation. So even if I take one of the tests I already have and get a negative (let's say it's false negative) there's a better chance of getting a positive on the ones I got online. They were incredibly cheap, too. For 1-3 day shipping plus 20 (yes, 20!) tests it's only $25. And I paid extra for the quicker shipping :P

These tests are pretty much basic tests. They don't have the housing on the outside that most tests have so they're cheaper. I've read a lot of positive (haha get it) reviews on them. I'm SOOO hoping to get my BFP!!!

Please please please let this month be it!!! I feel a little better testing with more sensitive tests now, too. These state on their packaging that they are sensitive 7-10 DPO. Other tests say to wait until you have a period. Even those tests have to under estimate their sensitivity in order to keep customers happy, which is why the Clear Blue Easy Digital tests, on the box, say 50 but online it's been tested down to 25. I should be able to take one of the 10's the day I get it, which should be by this next Thursday. Although with school I'll likely have to wait to take the test until Friday morning so that I'll have a higher concentration of the hormone, unless I don't go potty the majority of the day Thursday :P I'll have my sister text me if they get here that day so I know not to go :P

Again, just to have that chance to have a positive so early is worth the negatives in between! Because you never know. These particular tests are meant to check incredibly early.

Soooo anxious!!!

Hoping!

As of February 5th there will be a 28.7% chance for an accurate result on a test. There's a chance it could say negative and I'd really be pregnant, there's a chance it really is negative, but there's ALSO a chance it will say POSITIVE. If I could use that chance to happen to sneak a positive out early I'll take it! Any sooner than that and it's a guaranteed NO.

I am so anxious I can hardly contain myself!!!

I'm back to where I was a month ago when it wasn't necessarily the answer or outcome I was nervous about, it was GETTING an answer - ANY ANSWER! If it's negative I can plan a nice month next month for my husband and I. I can try different things to keep it exciting and different ways to heighten our chances of pregnancy. At least I'll know what to plan for. I know the answer I get next Saturday won't necessarily be accurate, but at least if it's an early positive I can rest easy with that!

If it is negative I'll likely take a test each day for about 5 days. 5 days after Saturday would put me at 4 days before a missed cycle. I am capable of taking a test so early since I have such a LONG cycle, which benefits me! I don't have to wait until I've missed my period to test.

*crosses fingers*

Finally!

I finally got a "peak" reading today on my ovulation monitor :P I feel super confident this month as we've tried for days and days, and are still going to try for 3 more days just to be safe, as insurance :P

If it doesn't work this month we'll do it all over again next month :P

I found a ticker online that will countdown the number of days before I can take a home pregnancy test to see if it's worked or not. I'm crossing my fingers!!

Finally decided.

I think that my biggest concern with trying again was Devin. I didn't know if he wanted to really try again yet, or if he thought we were ready, or what. I've come to realize that if we keep making excuses about not being ready we'll never have kids. And I'm not getting any younger!

So we decided to start trying again :P

It will feel so good again to have that chance! The last 2 months have been incredibly hard as there's been ZERO chance of being pregnant. Now that I know my body is trying to ovulate and we've had sex (along with all the old wives tales that follow baby making sex like the specific position, pillow under your back and legs up for 30 minutes, etc lol) I feel good knowing there's at least a chance of conception again. I know it will happen when we least expect it, just like before. It may not happen this month, it may not happen next month. But I know it CAN happen and sometime it will! I feel content knowing this! I'm done with stressing about whether or not it's the right time. Who knows when it's really the right time!

I read so much about homeless mothers, teenagers who get pregnant, unmarried couples, or even my sister who was living in her husband's garage at the time. They all did just fine! We are fairly well off. We have a large, beautiful house with lots of space that we bought JUST FOR OUR KIDS. Devin has a good job, I'm on my way to a good job (with just this 1 semester I qualify!) We're more ready than so many people who have kids!

I can't wait to start taking tests again :P

I figured...

So today my fertility monitor finally budged. Today is day 13, so almost right on schedule I'm going to ovulate. I was hoping my body would be kinda messed up and not ovulate for a few months but no, my body has to be right on schedule and set its self straight right away.

My body is just amazing.

When I got pregnant before I knew right away. My body was able to relate to me the proper symptoms that were unmistakable. When I miscarried, my body did the same. The symptoms were unmistakable. No questions about what was happening. The miscarriage was quick. Even though a small amount of tissue still clung on, my body was still on track with releasing it 32-37 days after the initial miscarriage as though it was a period. Then, another 35 days later, another period. Right on track. I didn't use the fertility monitor then so I'm not sure if I ovulated or not.

But this cycle, which is my very first cycle since the miscarriage completed, is as normal as they come. I'm likely to ovulate on day 14 rather than day 11, but from what I understand every month is always a few days off anyways, it's never right on. So my body is back into it's regular cycle already. I'm just shocked it's so quick.

My body was able to deal with this in such an amazing way. I have to say I'm proud to have my body.

On the other hand, I'm incredibly anxious now that I know I'm going to ovulate. I told my husband it went up to see his reaction. So far he hasn't said anything. Part of me feels I almost shouldn't have told him then just had sex with him for a few days in hopes we get pregnant.

I want a baby so bad again it's really unbearable. I feel so strongly like we will make it work no matter what. All I need is this one semester to get a job that pays enough to remove the roommate situation. I can still go to school, they have evening classes I could take so Devin could watch the baby while I'm at school. Or even online classes so I could stay home and work part time and watch the baby.

We were worse off than we are now when we were pregnant the first time. We HAD to make it work then. Why can't we try and make it work now, when we're better off than before? I'm constantly reminded I'm not pregnant anymore. I would be 19 weeks pregnant by now. I'd have been able to feel the baby moving and kicking. We'd know if it was a boy or girl. But we don't. We will never know.

I'm so afraid to feel this way each and every month until July/August. I know it's going to be even worse when June 16th, our due date, comes around. I can't help but feel this way. Devin says not to use the fertility monitor yet, to wait to use it until July/August. It's impossible. I've been tracking my fertility for at least 2 years now in hopes of determining when to try to have a baby. I can't stop monitoring it now. Each month will be a nightmare not knowing what's going on with my body.

I dunno. I figured I would feel this way when the monitor showed me when to try. I just don't know how to deal with it.

Day 9

I get so nervous now each day when I use my fertility monitor. On a normal cycle I tend to ovulate right around day 11. If this cycle were at all normal, any time it should come up saying my hormones are rising for ovulation. The two months I used it years ago it had me start testing on day 10 and right on day 10 it already went up to high fertility then on day 11 if went to peak fertility. I'm hoping I don't ovulate this month.

These classes are quite difficult so far. It's certainly motivation to wait a while to have a baby. Part of me still wants to try anyways and more and more of me wants to wait to get my degree, since this will be a huge challenge on it's own without a baby.

I guess we'll see...

New cycle.

I was hoping all of this period stuff would finally stop, and it did! I spotted for a week straight then for 3 days it picked up and became the worst period of my life. Finally it's gone completely. Today is day 7 of my first new cycle. I started using the monitor, as it said. So far, as I expected, my hormones are low. If this were a normal cycle I should be ovulating right around day 11. Since this is my first cycle, anything goes. I've read most women do not ovulate for a few cycles. I'm hoping I don't ovulate, so I don't have a reason to want to try for a baby so bad.

I'm incredibly nervous about how I'll feel when I see my fertility rise. I am hoping it will take a few months but part of me wants it now. I don't know.

So confusing.

Unfair

I have some friends who are pregnant. They know about how difficult it was for me when I went through the miscarriage. At this point I would be 18 weeks pregnant. We would have found out by now if it was a boy or a girl. I would be showing by now (even just a little) The world would know that we were expecting a baby.

Anyways, these friends know how hard it is for me to be constantly reminded that I'm not pregnant. Some days are better than others, but most days are bad. No matter how much I tell myself, "What's a few more months of waiting compared to the lifetime you'll have with your baby" it doesn't seem to make it easier to wait, especially when I see my friends having babies and being pregnant.

One friend IM'd me and started saying how sick she was of being pregnant and just wished the baby would get here already. I'd give anything to be sick of being pregnant...

I just want those to know, who are pregnant, don't go on and on about your pregnancy to someone who has no children and had a miscarriage. It's like adding salt to the wound. Not that you do it on purpose, and I know you are excited about your own pregnancy, but still. It's painful enough to see all of your maternity pictures or read all of your posts about what the baby's doing inside you or what you bought for the baby, etc. Let alone have to listen to you brag about it.

Again and again

Once again, my desire for a baby is insane. I was plotting out my calendar for my next cycle and it shows me when I should be ovulating. I knew this would happen. Plus with having my monitor now which will tell me if I've ovulated or not. What am I going to do when it tells me today is the day to try?

My biggest fear of getting pregnant before I graduate is just that - graduation. I fear that I won't go back and finish if I have a baby. At this point, I would be almost finished by the time I have a due date. My sister assured me that she feels I would just finish out the last semester since I'd be just about there. I may as well finish.

Plus, the last semester or two should be mostly internships as it is.

I don't know. I want to have a baby more than anything, but at the same time I feel the timing isn't right yet.

I need to remind myself over and over, "What's a few more months in comparison to a lifetime with your baby?"

No wonder...

I have read that anything goes when it comes to the first period following a miscarriage. This period has been strange, to say the least. It started a week ago as very light, barely noticeable. No cramps, but every other symptom in the book - ESPECIALLY moodiness...

Last night, cramps started kicking in. They were tolerable, but still pretty painful. I refused to take medicine so I could monitor how bad they got or of they would get any worse.

Today, however, is a whole other story... OMG.

They've been elevating all day long. Very very painful. I could feel it all the way to my knees and up into my stomach. Just retching pain. I finally gave in and took some Pamprin, which seems to have finally kicked in just now.

I finally started actually bleeding this morning. It went from the faint spotting all week long to full blown period bleeding. I was so happy to have finally gone through just a single tampon.

I have read that many women will pass tissue usually their second period following a miscarriage. That the first will be incredibly light, then the second will be horrible. It's just the body's natural cleansing process.

I think my body is behaving like this is the second period. I had the miscarriage then a month later I had what could be considered a light period, with 1 day of bleeding and tissue passing, when my body finally turned loose the last piece that clung to my uterus. This time, my body is passing a lot of tissue. None of it was attached, else my HCG wouldn't have dropped. It was just "in there." Gross, I know.

But it would explain why the cramping got so horrible today. My body is getting rid of everything inside my uterus - painful! This would have to mean my next period will be more normal. I usually have painful periods, but this was horrible!

Hopefully I'll start feeling better soon...

Finally!

So yes, I am FINALLY on a period!! Full blown period! I'm going to start counting day 1 as today since today it's official. Ugh the cramps!!

I had estimated the start of my next cycle as 1/12, 35 days after the end of the second mc round. Today is day 34, right on schedule :P My cycles are usually 32-37 days in length.

Hooray for my clockwork schedule!!

Cramps

Ugh. I assumed my period started January 5th when I started spotting and had plenty of period symptoms. I didn't have any cramping then, though. Today after working out I started getting cramps. This evening they're worse. I'm bleeding again now, too. So far it's all been insanely light. I emailed my doctor who said not to worry if it doesn't get heavy this time. Now that I'm cramping I feel like it's going to get a little heavier. I don't want to take any pain meds so I can monitor it, see if it feels like a normal period or not.

Normally my cramps get so bad I can't get out of bed. On my way to work one time I had to pull over during rush hour traffic to cry and curl up because it was so horrible. I can usually manage the pain with a few pamprin, it's just horrible if I don't time it right. Part of me wants to have the familiar horrible period cramping because it's just that - familiar. I know why the pain is there, I know what's causing it, it's normal. Although part of me doesn't want to be in pain lol.

I suppose it would explain why my moodiness got worse these last few days. Maybe today is essentially the first day of a new cycle. Either way, I'm counting from the day I started spotting just to be safe.

I got my monitor in the mail, started using it on day 4.

Still hoping I have some sort of normalcy this time around. I'm so incredibly sick of not knowing what's what.

Ugh

It's been difficult lately. I know Devin just blames it on hormones, it doesn't matter if I'm actually upset or if my hormones make me even more upset than I should be. Supposedly I'm never actually upset, it's all hormones. As a woman, it's always hormones.

Yesterday, Devin went out to eat with his dad and his dad's friend without me. I don't normally mind because usually I'm working. I didn't go because they went golfing first super early, and I didn't want to golf. Devin texted me and said he wanted to treat me out to dinner last night since he got to go out and I didn't. So I was excited to go out, just him and I. We haven't been out together in a long time because of money or because there's usually so many people here.

So last night we went to the mall to exchange some pants he bought me for Christmas. I started getting hungry so we left. He said we'd go somewhere out by Fry's, so we went to Fry's then he started heading home. On the way home he said something about making dinner at home and asked what we have. I wanted to scream at him because he KNOWS since we have zero money we don't have any meal foods at home - just canned soup and top ramen. What a thoughtful idea - to go from going out to dinner and having someone else do the cooking/cleaning to having top ramen at home - where likely I'll do the cooking/cleaning.

So I shrugged it off and just stayed quiet. Then he offered to go to the store to buy ingredients to make dinner and I said whatever. We bought veggies and meat for fajitas since we had ton of tortillas at home and nothing to go with them.

We got home and he put the bags on the counter then went straight to the computer. By this time it's already 8pm. So, apparently he's not cooking dinner. So I started cutting the onions that I CANT cut up (they make my whole eyes, nose, sinuses, everything BURN) I'm in there sniffling, coughing, choking, and he doesn't look up from the computer. I got everything else on the stove, all that's left is to stir it and serve it.

He got up from the office and walked into the kitchen, grabbed my butt as always (which he knows I get upset for) then went to the bathroom (where he always takes half an hour) I finally got so mad that he didn't even offer to help make the dinner I was originally supposed to be treated out to. I texted him and said, "How come I'm cooking the dinner I was originally supposed to be treated out to?" A few minutes later he comes out of the bathroom and just says, "I don't know." Then decides to try and help. I told him not to bother since it was done.

I just feel that lately I've been put on the back burner. He never wants to do anything romantic with me. He always gropes, tries for sex, but never does anything special for me anymore. I do all of the cooking and cleaning and when finally I'm offered a treat out it blows up in my face. I should have known I wouldn't get that privilege.

I know he works and I know work is stressful. But, like me, he needs to fix it and deal with it. He was never any help when I would come home after being treated like dirt day after day after day. I'd get a foot rub or a back rub but that was it. Finally I had to BEG him to work with me and fix it. I fixed it by renting out the rooms and tolerating a roommate. So he needs to fix his issues with his own job (that I can't fix) by transferring, or finishing school to get promoted, or something. I can't do it for him and I certainly shouldn't have to deal with him dumping his stress on me this way.

I feel very unloved and unwanted - except sexually, of course. That's the last thing on my mind at this point. I hate sex right now. It's nothing but a horrible reminder that I lost our baby and how we have to start from square one to get another.

He calls me 5 minutes before he's supposed to go downstairs for work and asks me what's wrong. As if 5 minutes will fix it. I couldn't help but be short with him all day long. He said, "Thank you for making my lunch." I texted back saying, "I make your lunch every day" Thinking, "And he's thanking me now?" He says, "This one will be really yummy." Which pissed me off. I can only afford PBJ or lunch meat. I happened to send him today with sloppy joes because my sister bought it over the weekend. So I said in return, "None of the other lunches I make are yummy? Sorry I can't afford lunches like this every day, all I can afford is pbj." His response back was, "I love you."

He does that when he doesn't know how to pull his foot from his mouth. So I texted, "Good response. Fixes everything." Then he finally decides to call, 5 minutes before work starts. He kept asking what was wrong and I repeatedly said nothing (because 5 minutes of me yelling at him won't fix it) He said, "Fine then, when you blow up at me because everything's been piling up I'll remind you that you had your chance to tell me what was wrong."

He honestly doesn't get it...

Evanescence - Missing

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out;
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something.......

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Another day

My mind keeps bouncing back and forth, over and over. I know it has to be hormones, but still. One minute I'm fine and level headed and thinking straight. The next I don't care about thinking straight or level headedness and want what I want NOW.

As I said before, our goal is to wait until July/August to start trying again for a baby, this way the baby would be due after I graduate. I know that if I take a semester off to have a baby there's little or no chance I'll actually finish. The last semester or 2 is mostly internships - full time - plus I'll have a job on top of that - plus a baby? Talk about hard! If I wait to have a baby until after I'm done with school I will have plenty of time outside of working to take care of it, I won't feel rushed.

But then days like today, I just don't care. I know that everything seems to work out in some way and I know we'll make it work - I mean, we were going to make it work with the one we lost and we were FAR from ready. I was still at Nob Hill with no end in sight, school wasn't even on my mind. I was a total loss when it came to society and had nothing to show for, yet we were going to have a baby and make it work.

At least my emotions from the miscarriage seem to have worked themselves out. I mean, of course I'm still sad about it, but I've come to terms with it. There was nothing we could do, nothing anyone could do. This was nature and survival of the fittest at it's finest. It's a genetic flaw with humans - we have a high miscarriage rate. It's nature's way of preventing ill born babies, or babies missing important genetic material. Had this baby be born, it would have had all sorts of problems and would have likely been in pain it's entire life. That's not something anyone would wish on anyone, no matter how strongly they want a baby.

I am more confident in our next pregnancy. I will be much healthier this time (having cut out all caffeine, more sugars, exercising more regularly, losing more weight, no stressful job, etc) Plus I've had every test in the book that shows I'm as healthy as a 24 year old woman can be. I am very proud of my body and am happy to take care of it.

I know our next pregnancy won't come without some fears, of course. I know that every time symptoms fade for a bit or I feel something different I'm going to freak out. However, last time I KNEW when something was wrong. It's quite obvious. I'm so in tuned with my body that I can tell when something "different" happens...

So we'll see. I'm hoping these feelings pass...

Happy

Everything seems to be lining up again! I got my financial aid all worked out at the school - I will graduate April 2012! I've wanted a graduation so bad! To finally achieve something honorable is priceless to me. To finally do something with myself means so much!! I have orientation next week Thursday then school starts the following Tuesday. I can't wait!!

Plus the fact that I will graduate in April means we can start planning for a baby again. If I were to conceive this year in August I would be due in May 2012, after graduation. It will be so great to be able to plan this out! I should get my kit any day now, and now that it seems a cycle has kicked in I can start tracking immediately! The kit usually says to start using the monitor on day 10 of your cycle - today is technically day 2 (well, it's day 2 if the bleeding picks up, otherwise this is just pre-menstrual spotting) I can't find any accurate answers online that say whether or not to track from the first sign of blood or from the first day the bleeding picks up - I would think the spotting...

Can't hurt to say it started yesterday :P

So, now that it seems the worst of everything is over, I am happy! Life is moving in a forward and positive direction. Not by its self, I have to make it move that way!

Plus I've been working out a lot lately! I think that's helping my moods... I went Tuesday, Wednesday, and today. I'm super sore! But it feels so good to be burning off this energy I've been hanging onto!

I would like to lose about 15 pounds by the end of this semester (end of March, beginning of April) If I keep things up the way I've been going, it should be a cinch! I just have to stay motivated!!

Hooray!!

I never thought I would be happy to see my dear old Aunt Flow! But I am!! I've read the first one after a miscarriage will be anything but normal so not to expect anything. So long as for 1 day it's heavier then it's a real period. I've read it can be incredibly heavy the whole time, so long as it doesn't last more than 2 weeks, or that it can be incredibly light with only a day or so of slightly heavier bleeding. Right now it's very light spotting really. But it's something!!

I am so proud of my body. To have read how bad these things can go and to know that my body is taking care of everything as it should is amazing. Here I am, only 23 days after the last symptoms of the miscarriage went away and I'm back in a rhythm. I have heard from so many women that it can take months to get a cycle back. This means we can decide to start trying again asap.

I think I will use my new monitor (when I get it in the mail) this month just to see if I even ovulate. I know it can take some time for my body to start ovulating again, and I don't want to try every day this month to no avail and get really upset only to have not ovulated at all.

I also don't have the desire to actually try yet, either. I feel nervous and scared like I always do. Especially now that I KNOW I CAN get pregnant. Before, I got so many negative tests I just thought it wouldn't ever happen, and the ONE TIME we tried differently it happened. So I know we can do it again when we want to.

Right now I'm so excited to start school and get into a lifestyle I will enjoy that having a baby seems to have taken the back burner. I mean, I enjoyed being pregnant, but I have to remember the big picture here. I want my degree. I want to have the best possible life when we have a baby. I don't want to think, "I should have waited." If I get pregnant now, I'll have the baby right before graduation. It would make it just about impossible. So, I think I will wait things out like I originally planned. We can really start trying again this July/August so I'll have a due date after graduation. To have a goal is wonderful! Plus I can continue to work towards losing these last 15 pounds. I didn't gain anything over the holidays, so this should be easy.

I'm so happy with everything right now! My body, my life, my husband, my friends and family. I couldn't ask for more!

Symptoms

I've finally started feeling symptoms again. This time they are most certainly NOT pregnancy symptoms! I haven't had normal monthly cycle symptoms since September, so even though it doesn't feel great, it feels great!

I feel like I'm going to start a cycle any day now. The cramping I have now is more "wholesome," meaning all throughout my abdomen instead of in one spot. It's also more of a heavy cramp rather than just one little poke every few hours. Any day now!

My last HCG test was at <2, meaning the miscarriage is over. As of today, it has been 21 days since I've had any bleeding at all. In order for this next cycle to be considered a cycle and not leftover miscarriage tissue, I have to go 20 days without any bleeding what so ever. It's been 21!

So once I start again, it's a new cycle. FINALLY! I have never been so excited for a period before in my life! Sure it's nice not having a period, but when you want a baby and rely on a period it sucks!

I just noticed today is the 3rd. That means it took me 2 months to get back into a cycle. 8 weeks. I have read it will take anywhere from 3-9 weeks to get a cycle after the initial miscarriage, if everything goes well. Mine took so long because my body didn't get rid of everything the first time. So definitely any day now!

Last night, before I fell asleep, I was reminiscing everything my body has been through in the last few months. Our bodies are certainly amazing. Just to think that my body knows how to create a new life out of 2 cells, how to nourish it, how to properly cushion it. Then the fact that my body knows when that life form isn't growing properly, it knows how to deal with it appropriately. I see it as survival of the fittest. If the baby isn't as fit as your body feels it should be, your body can deal with it. To know that my body did it's very best to make sure this whole ordeal went as it should is just amazing to me.

I am happy to be human, and to be a woman.