Another day

My mind keeps bouncing back and forth, over and over. I know it has to be hormones, but still. One minute I'm fine and level headed and thinking straight. The next I don't care about thinking straight or level headedness and want what I want NOW.

As I said before, our goal is to wait until July/August to start trying again for a baby, this way the baby would be due after I graduate. I know that if I take a semester off to have a baby there's little or no chance I'll actually finish. The last semester or 2 is mostly internships - full time - plus I'll have a job on top of that - plus a baby? Talk about hard! If I wait to have a baby until after I'm done with school I will have plenty of time outside of working to take care of it, I won't feel rushed.

But then days like today, I just don't care. I know that everything seems to work out in some way and I know we'll make it work - I mean, we were going to make it work with the one we lost and we were FAR from ready. I was still at Nob Hill with no end in sight, school wasn't even on my mind. I was a total loss when it came to society and had nothing to show for, yet we were going to have a baby and make it work.

At least my emotions from the miscarriage seem to have worked themselves out. I mean, of course I'm still sad about it, but I've come to terms with it. There was nothing we could do, nothing anyone could do. This was nature and survival of the fittest at it's finest. It's a genetic flaw with humans - we have a high miscarriage rate. It's nature's way of preventing ill born babies, or babies missing important genetic material. Had this baby be born, it would have had all sorts of problems and would have likely been in pain it's entire life. That's not something anyone would wish on anyone, no matter how strongly they want a baby.

I am more confident in our next pregnancy. I will be much healthier this time (having cut out all caffeine, more sugars, exercising more regularly, losing more weight, no stressful job, etc) Plus I've had every test in the book that shows I'm as healthy as a 24 year old woman can be. I am very proud of my body and am happy to take care of it.

I know our next pregnancy won't come without some fears, of course. I know that every time symptoms fade for a bit or I feel something different I'm going to freak out. However, last time I KNEW when something was wrong. It's quite obvious. I'm so in tuned with my body that I can tell when something "different" happens...

So we'll see. I'm hoping these feelings pass...