Getting close to our first visual!

So today I am 9 weeks and 3 days pregnant. My first ultrasound is this upcoming Tuesday, 3/22. I'm so excited I can't stand it!! I'm not really nervous as to what we're going to see, I'm just happy to see our baby! I KNOW our baby is doing great, what with all the symptoms I've been having!!

I'm going to go totally public on my main Facebook page when I have a photo. I'm going to change my profile pic to the ultrasound pic and see how long it takes people to notice :P

It's finally starting to sink in about being pregnant. I've felt so horrible these last few weeks that I haven't really felt "pregnant." Just insanely bloated, or crampy, or nauseous, or sick overall. Now that I've gotten into a rhythm with my medicine and I know what routine works well for me, the nausea is pretty much a horrid memory. The cramps have diminished a lot. They weren't really 'cramps' necessarily, just deeper twinges in one side (which I read was from my ovary that ovulated creating hormones to support the pregnancy until the placenta takes over hormone creation.)

I've read that this usually starts to take place around week 8 and the placenta is fully functional around week 12-13. So my symptoms should be starting to diminish as it is. I can tell it's getting easier! Plus I finally feel pregnant, not like I'm sick.

I've experienced tightening in my lower abdomen, which I hadn't had before. I read when it's low like that it's because things are preparing to expand. Which is good!!

I haven't had any signs of any impending issues. No bleeding (just the very light spotting I had around week 7 that ended after like two days). No cramping (just twinges). I know that everything is ok! I can't wait to see a little beating heart on the screen next Tuesday!!!!

Feeling better!

I emailed my doctor asking when I should start gaining weight since so many websites say something different. One said I'm right where I need to be, by not having gained anything yet. Another said I should have gained 2lbs already. Another said I should have gained 8lbs already (their theory is 1lb a week) another said I should have gained 22lbs already. None make any sense. So I asked the professional. I explained to her how I haven't gained anything yet because I've been feeling so yucky from the morning sickness, I asked when I should expect to start actually gaining weight. She didn't tell me when I should expect the scale to bump, but she told me it's normal for some women to even lose weight in the first trimester because of morning sickness.

She also prescribed for me some medicine to help with the nausea. I was a bit skeptical. I didn't really want to take any harsh meds. I've tried everything outside of a pill - the Sea-Bands, more water, Saltines, ginger/lemon drops, ginger ale... The list goes on. I finally caved in and tried Nauzene, a chewable chalky thing you take when you've eaten too much (similar to a tums). It worked pretty well, but I had to take them constantly. And they are expensive! So I caved in and decided to take the medicine my doctor prescribed - she must know what she's doing, it must be ok, she wouldn't prescribe something that could hurt me or the baby.

And oh my gosh! The nausea is GONE!!!! Not even a hint of nausea! Nothing!!! I can finally look at food again and WANT it! Just from 1 tiny pill 3 times a day. I made sure to email her and thank her for the medicine, that it's cured me of my morning sickness! It was horrible before - I couldn't eat, some nights I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do ANYTHING around the house, I was sick of laying in bed but laying down made me feel better. Now I feel NORMAL. For the first time in weeks I feel like myself! I feel like I can finally enjoy being pregnant! No more nausea!

Today I am 8 weeks 4 days. No issues so far. No bleeding (had random spotting, but it went away). No bad cramps (I just get twinges, which will subside when the placenta takes over creating hormones rather than my ovaries). I'm not showing by any means yet. I just feel like I'm bloated 24/7. I won't start to show until sometime between week 12 and 16.

Happy things seem to be going well!! Happy I feel NORMAL again!

man oh man

So yes, definitely pregnant.

The morning sickness never seems to happen in the morning. I wake up and feel great so I try to eat as much as I can (knowing it will be the last meal I can hold down for the day) Come 10am, man oh man.

The thought of food in general makes me want to hurl. If I go to the cupboard to grab something, the thought of the taste of the food in the cupboard makes me sick. It's like the bile rises in my gut saying, "Nooo!! You can't have this!" And it's all food - sweet, sour, healthy, junk, meat, cheese, crackers, water, etc.

I can barely drink anything, either. I can hold down vitamin water, so I drink that all day long. It seems to help if I eat some saltines right before I have to eat a meal. Like the saltines settle the bile down long enough for me to get some real food in my belly.

I've now lost 5lbs in the last week. If I lose anymore, I will contact my dr. I've read it is normal to lose some weight the first trimester. So we'll see.

The fatigue is intense, too. All day long now. I wake up EXHAUSTED. I got to bed EXHAUSTED. I feel like I just cannot get enough rest. I've tried listening to my body and laying down when necessary, but it's like it isn't enough. I'm sick of staying in bed.

I know I'm supposed to enjoy every minute of this. I remember after I lost my first pregnancy I would have given up anything and everything to have all of this back again. Now that I have it, this time it feels a bit unbearable. I didn't have this much fatigue or morning sickness. It's like my body said, "You wanted it, you got it!"

It's like having the flu 24/7 but without the fever or vomiting. I get so close to throwing up, though. I feel the bile rise in my throat, my breath gets short, I get shaky, the saliva in my mouth gets thick. I have to sit for a while else I will vomit. I'm almost hoping one time I will. Maybe there's something in my tummy my body has to get rid of. Maybe I'll feel better once I start actually throwing up.

Ugh I dunno. I just want October 18th to get here!!

Back and Forth

So my worries go back and forth. I worry because it seems my symptoms are going away. Then the symptoms come back and I'm fine. I think if I don't feel pregnant for a small amount of time (a pause in symptoms) I freak out.

I read online about exercising and symptoms. Exercising will actually make the symptoms less, makes them much easier to deal with - which includes exhaustion, nausea, and cramps. So that helps to explain why they have been less the last couple days - the last couple days have been when I really started working out again. It has to be that.

I went 2 weeks with only working out twice - each day after I worked out those 2 times I felt better - not as pregnant. I think I'm just scaring myself... Right now I feel better - symptoms are here again so we'll see.

Nervous.

Over the last few days, I've noticed my symptoms lessen. I'm so nervous now. The same thing happened about a week before I miscarried last time. I don't have the twinges like I did. The nausea is nowhere near as strong. I'm tired, but it's not like it was - not as obvious.

I emailed my doctor. She won't be in until tomorrow or Wednesday (when I go to email her online it says she's out through 2/22) There's not much she can do, but if I would be able to go in to see if everything is ok, it would settle my mind. I expressed my concern about getting closer to the same date I miscarried last time.

I should be 6 weeks tomorrow. If everything is ok, we should be able to see a heartbeat soon. Last time the baby didn't grow enough for a heartbeat.

Come to think of it, the symptoms would have stopped around 6 weeks and 5 days. So I'm right around the time frame last time. Ugh I'm going crazy!!

I'm glad I emailed, though. It can't hurt to try to see if everything is ok, or at least see what a professional has to say. I've given up on searching online for answers. Just because something works one way for one woman doesn't mean that's the norm.

I hope the symptoms just seem less because this time I'm exercising. I always feel better when I work out, so maybe it's helping to curb the bad symptoms - or at least mask them.

Almost 6 Weeks!

So, AF is now a full week late :P (I have a 32-ish day cycle, today is day 40) The best news is that there hasn't been ANY bleeding whats so ever for going on 2 weeks now. My first pregnancy I had spotting the entire time. This time it was just implantation bleeding then it stopped. Everything still feels really good, too. The cramping I have is becoming more regular - once every hour or so - sometimes it's rather painful and sometimes it's just a twinge. The nausea is about the same. I'm hoping it won't get any worse. The exhaustion is a bit overwhelming sometimes, though. Yesterday I was tired ALL day long. Usually it hits me about 330 or 4 in the afternoon.

So I feel pretty good still! Other than the symptoms :P Which I am honestly grateful for, they are constant reminders I am still pregnant. I was so mad at myself last time for actually complaining about all of the symptoms. This time I am enjoying every second of it!

More relieved each day!

I was pretty worried about the whole "chemical pregnancy" thing, where you get pregnant but it doesn't take. You would only know this happens if you take a very early pregnancy test, it comes out VERY FAINT positive, then a week later you have a period (and a negative pregnancy test) You just caught when the hormone STARTED to rise, but it didn't go any further than that.

Well I'm now past that particular phase :P My pregnancy tests come out stronger each and every day. They're almost BOLD positives, one more shade darker and it will be the same as the control line :P I have zero signs of having a period - all the spotting I had completely stopped several days ago as my doctor said it would (Last pregnancy I spotted the ENTIRE time) My symptoms are getting stronger and stronger every day.

I can't wear the perfume I love because it makes me nauseous, every time I get hungry I cook something really nice that normally I love then when I sit down to eat, I can't eat it because I feel like I'm going to throw up. I haven't actually thrown up yet, but the queasiness and lightheadedness is there. My chest hurts a little more each day. The twinges in my side (small pains) are more regular now rather than just all day long - more like for a few minutes every couple hours, and not quite as painful as they were. Now just annoying :P

I wouldn't trade any of these symptoms for anything in the world right now! They might make me feel crappy, but I love it!

I really feel for my poor Hubby. He was heartbroken when we lost the first pregnancy. He's been afraid to get attached to this one, as I totally understand.

I had to tell him that we can't rob this pregnancy of all the excitement that goes with it because of a bad past experience. We can't love this one any less because we are afraid to lose it. It would be like if I were to stop loving Devin because I am afraid of how I'll feel when the circle of life catches up. This new baby deserves all of our affection, love, excitement, joy, etc. I refuse to hold myself back.

He seems to be feeling better. He's actually helping me look at baby stuff now, like names :P He was sending me links to websites he found that listed baby names. We made an excel spreadsheet with our favorites so far. He's starting to call us "3 of us" again, like when we were pregnant the first time. I think he's letting himself in again. I'm very happy to have him be with me and love me and love our little family :P

I really do have a good feeling about this pregnancy. I can't wait!!

Exhausted

I can't seem to keep my eyes open today! I could NOT force myself to do my homework here on my break between classes. I can't focus on what I've read or write properly. I'm sick of writing lol. So much has to be hand written. Can't I just type??? lol

Pregnancy is kicking my ass. No fun! I just have to remember it's a labor of love! lol - THIS is what I wanted! Well technically what I wanted was the baby its self, not all the symptoms, but yea :P Right now, before I feel the baby, I just feel pain. The cramps are irritating. The exhaustion is unmistakable. The chest pain is excruciating. The nausea keeps me from eating bad stuff, so I guess that's ok :P Just gonna rest my eyes for a bit before my next class...

Ow...

So I thought I had more time before my boobs would start hurting, but no. They were a little sore this morning. I laid in bed watching movies all day and just sat up to go get something to eat and it felt like someone punched me in my boobs! Damn gravity! I mean it hurts, but I love it. This pain means PREGNANCY lol

The cramps have been pretty light today. Not really any spotting, either. The exhaustion hit today, though. NO energy at all. I just want to lay in bed. I rarely do this so I am! Going to take it easy today since tomorrow is another LONG day. Yay. Otherwise everything seems to be ok!

Blech

I still feel pretty yucky, but I do feel better about the pregnancy overall. I emailed my doctor yesterday about the bleeding I've had. When I email her I am, of course, worried. But when she replies, just her tone and sense of understanding in her emails makes me feel better. She has this "service" thing down to an art! I absolutely love my doctor.

She first said she could understand how I would be anxious considering I was bleeding like this with my first pregnancy, which ended in miscarriage. But that most women do bleed early in pregnancy and it is normal. If it gets any worse or doesn't stop at all she will then look into it. Right now since it's so early she feels she can't do anything yet. And I agree.

The bleeding got a bit heavier yesterday, then after I went to the gym it practically stopped. So I feel that exercising helped. I stopped exercising the first pregnancy, I wonder if it would have helped with the spotting (the spotting was not a sign of the impending miscarriage - I was spotting because of a normal pregnancy. My body didn't know until 8 weeks that I was going to lose the baby, that's when the spotting got a lot worse and turned into heavy and painful bleeding) So it was normal last time, the spotting.

I asked her about exercise, and what's considered normal and what's healthy for pregnancy. I told her how it seems to have helped with the bleeding. I don't want to leave anything out, I want to do all I can to ensure a healthy pregnancy for both me and baby :P

It still hasn't settled in yet. I know I'm pregnant, but it feels unreal. I almost feel as though it's a dream, or I'm just telling myself I WANT to be pregnant. I think once I start feeling more symptoms it will really sink in. I don't feel as pregnant as before yet, because it's still so early.

The symptoms at 7-8 weeks were incredible. I could feel in my abdomen that there was "more" there than usual. Laying on my stomach wasn't comfortable (for my boobs, either!) Right now, my boobs are starting to feel tender. They don't hurt yet but it's starting. I have twinges all day long. They start up around noon and stop when I go to bed. They also stopped when I exercised, too. So I'm definitely going to keep working out since it seems to have such a positive impact on the pregnancy.

I have been feeling a bit of nausea. I just ate some Top Ramen for breakfast (I dreamed about it and HAD to have it when I woke up lol) and now I feel yucky. Randomly throughout the day I feel like that - just yucky. Not enough to throw up, but enough to notice I feel a bit woozy.

Today I'm going to take it easy. I feel very tired and exhausted.

Hoping

So I certainly FEEL pregnant. Compared to last time, the only symptom that hasn't kicked in yet is chest pain. I remember last time my boobs hurting so bad that gravity alone was unbearable. So far nothing.

I had implantation bleeding last week, starting Thursday. I have read online that it can last anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks. I am still bleeding as of today. My doctor told me that if the bleeding continues to let her know and she will see me sooner than my visit March 2nd (I won't see her that visit either, just the prenatal clerk)

I let her know, just in case something else is going on. I bled last time all the way through to the miscarriage at 8 weeks. But it can be normal. The first sign I was miscarrying was the horrible cramps, followed by the spotting I had going from light/brown to heavy/red-ish pink. Right now it's going back and forth from brown to light pink. The cramping isn't necessarily painful, just very irritating. I had twinges the entire time last time.

I remember at first they were slightly painful, I even took tylenol thinking they were period cramps at first - but they eased up and became annoying twinges. Needless to say I am worried - as always. There is no such thing as a perfect pregnancy. I am always going to worry no matter what. At least my doctor is offering to look into this for me if it doesn't stop on it's own.

Thing is, my body didn't know last time that the pregnancy wasn't viable. It maintained the pregnancy through the 8 weeks even though the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. I spotted all the way through and it was normal. My body didn't have any issues keeping the baby or supporting it. The baby just didn't make it past 6 weeks.

So this spotting may very well be normal. I might as well have my doctor check into it. Can't hurt anything.

Feelin' Yucky

These last few days I've been feeling really yucky. I have cramps in one side. My stomach feels like a bottomless pit I just can't seem to fill. But at the same time it's upset and doesn't want to eat. I keep getting random waves of nausea. Then I'm totally starving. Then I eat and eat because I feel like I can't get enough to eat. Then the nausea comes back. Then I'm totally starving again.

I think just sitting at home all day isn't helping. Luckily I have school tomorrow and can make myself go to the gym. I have to keep up with my exercise. ESPECIALLY since I'm pregnant. Now is NOT the time to quit. If I do, it will be SO hard to get back to where I am now. It took me months to get here. I don't want to throw it away. Plus exercise will make labor super easy :P There aren't any reasons to stop now! Well, money, yes. But I have to sacrifice some things to make it work.

I gotta go to bed early tonight. LONG day tomorrow!

I love when I'm right :P

I KNEW the symptoms I've been having were pregnancy symptoms. They are very light, but they're there. The twinges were my first clue. I had these when I was pregnant before. I thought for several weeks I was going to start my period. The twinges are from my ovaries releasing progesterone and from my uterus thickening.

The mild spotting I had over the last few days was implantation bleeding. It stopped last night some time and I haven't had any since. I kept telling myself that maybe I was starting my period early, but no :P

It's too early for any other symptoms just yet. In about a week or so they should pick up. Especially since the HCG in my system is rising already. Last time the symptoms were intense. My chest hurt so bad I couldn't sleep on my stomach, my back, my sides, anywhere. I couldn't stand because gravity would pull on them. When I went swimming it was fine until I got out of the water and gravity had a hold of them again then OMG it hurt. The twinges were like clock work, every few hours for about 5 minutes. The mood swings were insane. And the cravings! I don't even like shrimp but I NEEDED shrimp. It was so strange! No morning sickness then, I hope I don't have it this time! I've had moments of nauseousness.

In class on Friday I had a wave of nausea while doing a group project thing. One of my classmates was talking to me and I had to tell her to hold on. It was strange.

So we'll see how this goes.

I'm PREGNANT!!!!

POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AT LAST!!! It's faint, but it's there! It's faint because it's so freakin' early. But it's positive! It will only show that line if there is the presence of HCG and HCG will on only show up in your system if you are pregnant. I am pregnant!

I am still in total shock. I totally made myself believe it wouldn't happen yet. I prepared myself for negatives all the way through and a full blown period any time now. But nope!

I am much more confident this time with this pregnancy since we tried things differently. I know more now than the last time we tried. I read it's good to try every other day so a man's sperm count can build up. But new studies show that actually has adverse effects - the sperm count is high but the quality is poor. They start to degrade after 24 hours. So it's better to try every day (or at least every other day with the man doing his own thing once in between to keep it "fresh.") So this time we started trying 5 days before I actually ovulated, every day. We tried every day up until 3 days after I ovulated, too, for a total of 8 days.

My first miscarriage was due to chromosomal abnormalities, which generally happens from either a poor egg or poor sperm. I made Devin wait 4 days before we tried, then I made him wait 4 more days and we tried again. Poor Devin's quality must have been horrible. It was inevitable we would lose that baby (not out of any one's fault - we didn't know)

I'm glad I know more now than I did before.

Plus I know now that I'm as healthy as can be and that my body will carry a healthy baby full term.

I am so confident! I know this will be our first baby!

I'm so happy I could cry!!!! The tears keep coming and going. The gravity of the situation keeps trying to sink in. I mean, I'M PREGNANT!!!!

Obsessive POAS Disorder!

So I decided to divide up my remaining pregnancy tests into particular days. I've been taking 2 tests a day and still negatives, of course. I have this underlying hope that in the 12 hour window between tests just MAYBE my hormones will spike or something lol. I'm going mad constantly testing, though. I have 16 tests left and 10 more days of testing.

I also have 4 of my digital tests left, too. I decided to date the tests and divide them up so that only just a few days will I do 2 tests, every other day I'll do 1. I also threw in a random digital test just in case these cheapies aren't working or something lol. I am going to test every day until 2 days after my period is due.

I'm actually assuming my period will be due by day 37 since once in a great while it's that late. If I still haven't started a period by day , or February 15th, and am still getting negative pregnancy tests I will email my doctor and request a blood test.

No symptoms have changed. They're still there, the few I do have. Mild cramping off and on all day long since I ovulated 10 days ago now. Spotting that started this last Thursday that went from pink to brown (I explained more in my previous entry) I've been like a bottomless pit - eating and eating. Even when I'm full I feel like I can't get enough to eat. Not that this is a symptom, it's just odd since I've been so diligent about diet and exercise. Normally when I work out I don't really eat more than my body needs. I feel like all I think about is food - any and all kinds.

Still hoping for that faint second line, though! Each time I test I KNOW it's going to be negative. So to see a positive will be a real surprise!

At least my period is due very soon now. Like another week at most. I'm right in the middle of the 2 week wait. It's almost over! I will have an answer soon, regardless of what it is! I have always been one to plan ahead and I feel like everything is on hold until I know where this goes. If we have another month to try again or if we've done it already, or when to start preparing for a new family member, or what. I just want to know what's next in the immediate future.

*crosses fingers and toes!*

9DPO

The days keep slipping by. Soon I'll be within the window of the most accurate results for pregnancy tests. The rest of this post may be TMI but again, it helps me think.

I know something else is up. Whether it's pregnancy or not, something is different. I am still spotting, started Thursday. It started out as pink, not red, and very very minimal. Like a few drops. Yesterday it got just a tad heavier, like maybe a teaspoon full each time I'd check. Last night it turned from pink to brown. Today again it's brown.

I've only EVER had BROWN spotting when I was pregnant. It's a symptom of pregnancy. Even when I was spotting for those 6 days before my last period it was red. RED. Minimal, but RED.

I've had a normal cycle since the miscarriage. It's over. My body is back into it's rhythm. So unless something else is going on here, these have to be pregnancy symptoms. My doctor checked me for other issues, though. Progesterone levels (low levels make you bleed between cycles) Endometriosis, blood clotting disorders, ovarian cysts, sugar levels, anything and everything that has to do with the reproductive system that she is capable of testing. Nothing. I'm very healthy. I have absolutely nothing "wrong" with me.

So I keep coming back to the main differential diagnosis - pregnancy.

If I still receive negative test sticks and still no actual period by the time I would have a period on a 35 day cycle (35 being the longer of a normal cycle, sometimes I start around 32 days, 35 days would put me at 19DPO) I will request a blood test for suspected pregnancy from my doctor. A blood test will be considered positive if it's >5miu/ml.

So I should know within the next week for sure what's going on. I hope!

With each passing day I am a bit more comforted with the fact that my chances of receiving a positive go up. It has been shown with pregnant women who take tests early the chances of a positive go up with each passing day, which is why tests tell you not to test until you've missed your period, when there's the highest chance for accuracy.

6DPO 83.5% of pregnant women received a NEG test
7DPO 76.2% of pregnant women received a NEG test
8DPO 71.3% of pregnant women received a NEG test
9DPO 54.8% of pregnant women received a NEG test <---today
10DPO 39.1% of pregnant women received a NEG test
11DPO 24.7% of pregnant women received a NEG test
12DPO is the best chance for an accurate reading.

As you can see, the percentage goes down for false negatives. I'm hoping I'll get my answer soon!

eh

I've felt a little "off" these last few days. I'm still getting negative pregnancy tests. Today is 8DPO, CD25. I started having a little bit of bleeding yesterday and it's continued through today. Just minimal, really. But it's there. It's way too early to be my period, so I don't know what to think of it. I had these faint twinge like pains from the day I ovulated until yesterday. I woke up in the middle of the night Thursday to a more painful cramp that was rather brief, but still painful. Later that day I noticed the bleeding. Yesterday the twinges seemed to have stopped but today they're back and a little stronger. I feel like I'm going to start a period. I have cramps that start in my side then work their way down my abdomen to my cervix. They're not necessarily painful, just uncomfortable and have made me feel like I'm bloated and yucky.

I don't know what to make of any of this. I'm logging it so if I go through this next month before a period I will remember more clearly. I never have cramping or bleeding prior to my period. Never. Even the cycle after the miscarriage was fairly normal. I started spotting 6 days before my period really picked up but that was considered normal as my body had a lot to get rid of since it can't do all of it through the miscarriage the first time. It takes it a while. Well all of this started 12 days before I'd expect a period. Not 6. Too far off to be from that.

I don't know. I'm taking pregnancy tests twice a day just to be sure. I want to catch it the moment that hormone rises above 10 miu/ml. Now that these feelings and symptoms seem to be coming on a bit stronger I would expect something to give rather soon.

Either I will start a period or I will get a positive test. I'm all for either at this point - just to have a solid answer. The odds are there, if we try like we did this month at least a couple more months in a row, we WILL get pregnant. So long as we're trying I feel comfortable and happy.

I'll take another test in the morning when I wake up, on 9DPO. I'm getting closer and closer to a concrete date - a date where the test will be deemed accurate, so a negative would really mean negative in the next week and a half or so.

Still crossing my fingers and hoping to see a second line!!

Implantation bleeding??? I hope so!!

This blog has very girly content. Sorry for sharing TMI but it helps me think!

Since my husband and I stopped trying after my ovulation monitor went back to low fertility I started using tampons 24/7 to see if any implantation bleeding might occur. Implantation bleeding doesn't always happen and it only occurs in about 1 in 5 pregnancies (usually because the women don't notice it happening) Its usually just minimal spotting/bleeding. It can be such a small amount you wouldn't notice it. Its just from the fertilized egg burying its self in the uterine wall. Implantation can occur anywhere from 6 to 12 days following ovulation.

I am on day 7 past ovulation. Today I had very minimal spotting, so minimal I only would have noticed with a tampon. I NEVER bleed between periods. We haven't had sex since Monday so it isn't that. I have had zero bleeding since the end of my last period.

I woke up in the middle of the night to minor cramping. I've had twinges since the day I ovulated but this was a little heavier, heavy enough to wake me. This mornings pg test was neg. I actually lost my hopes this morning and almost didn't take the test.

If (that's a big IF) this was implantation, I should get a positive test soon, depending on how much hcg is being produced. Some pregnancies start out with low (normal) levels and don't give you a positive test til you're already 5 weeks, so a negative doesn't always mean you're not pregnant.

If I don't have a period by February 15th (and still neg pg test) I will ask my dr for a blood test.

Please let this have been implantation and not some odd womanly occurrance!!!

Today!

I'm finally supposed to get my tests in the mail today. I'm super excited to try one and see what it says! I've been using the expensive ones I got a while ago that are only sensitive to 50 miu/ml. Plus they are digital. They won't register positive if there's a hair of a second line whereas if I take a test that will show colored lines I can determine if there is a second line or not.

It's hard to remember what my symptoms were like at the beginning of my last pregnancy. I know I ovulated on day 11 and I didn't bother to take a pregnancy test until 24 days later (cycle day 35) It was BOLD positive that day. I had symptoms at least a week prior to that. I remember the Friday before we left for Hawaii, cycle day 28 I was having lots of symptoms. I remember having cramping thinking I would start my period at any time. My boobs were also hella sore. I just don't remember when those symptoms started kicking in. My mom even joked with me that I might be pregnant but I didn't bother to take a test because I honestly didn't think it was going to happen.

So I guess the symptoms started kicking in around 12 or 13 DPO, or cycle day 24 or 25.

Right now I am on cycle day 23. I also ovulated much later this cycle. Day 23 of my pregnant cycle I was already at 12 DPO. This time I'm 6 DPO.

I have been having small pains/twinges in my right side since the day my monitor said I ovulated. I looked up online to see what that cause would be and I guess the fallopian tubes contract to move the egg through to the uterus. But it normally only lasts for a couple days. It's now been 6 days.

It's too early to be pregnancy twinges, I mean the egg would only JUST be implanting its self if it did fertilize. I don't know.

Otherwise I have no symptoms of anything - just these twinges. We'll see!

Good Mood!

I feel pretty good today. I've managed to ease my anticipation with a daily PG test anyways, to see if I can get an accurate reading soon. I know I'll be angry with myself if I make myself wait 14 days and I get a positive knowing I could have gotten one much sooner.

Besides that, I feel positive about getting a negative. I actually don't mind trying this time. There's no pressure. I enjoy it :P I know my hubby isn't as upset with me as the last time we tried, which was immediately following the miscarriage.

So I feel good, even if we aren't pregnant yet. I really wouldn't mind trying again for a few more months in a row :P I know it will happen when my body thinks I'm ready! I know my body is amazing, to have dealt with everything the way it did, to be healthy and work with me rather than making all of this more difficult. So I trust my body will do this when it's ready!

Tests

They said they've shipped my pregnancy tests today! I should get them within 1-3 business days :P

I've been doing a lot of looking around online at when women started getting positive tests and really, it depends on the woman and the baby. A lot of pregnancy test websites have an area for positive test images and have a paragraph from each person stating when they took the test, how long they've been taking that particular test, what other tests they've used, etc. There were a few that were able to get positives super early, like 7-12DPO. Most, though, don't get positives until they've missed their period (so 14DPO-ish) and some didn't get any until about 20 DPO. It's all based on the amount of HCG in your system. There are no normal amounts for any time frame. Just as long as the number doubles its self every 48 hours or so it's considered healthy and less of a chance of miscarriage.

My first pregnancy I didn't take a test until 4 days after a missed period, so of course it was positive. However, that was 24 DPO. I was already 5 weeks pregnant when I took my first test. I KNEW I was pregnant, but didn't have the chance or privacy to take one until then because of our trip to Hawaii. I wasn't going to start taking pregnancy tests while I was visiting my Grandma! lol

I'm just hoping that, if I AM pregnant again already, that my levels will go up quick enough for me to see it early on a test. My plan is to test every day through the date my period is due, which is February 15th (for a 35 day cycle) I've already taken 2 tests for a website that lets you plot out each day you take a test and announces when you've finally gotten a positive on a specific test, like how early that particular test will give you a positive result. This is with the Clear Blue Easy Digital test. I'm only at 4DPO today so it's impossible to get a positive. But you never know!

Once I get the other tests in the mail I'll have a better chance of seeing an early positive result. Until then, I'm taking these JUST IN CASE :P

If I have no symptoms and still ALL negative tests by the time my period is due, I'll assume it's negative and prepare to start trying again next month :P I want to make it a little more special :P Having it planned out a little better should help out.

Online Purchase

I found online a website that sells early detection pregnancy tests that can read down to 10 miu/ml HCG. The tests I have currently only claim 50 miu/ml but online it says 25. With the ones I purchased online I can get a more accurate reading between days 7-10 past ovulation. So even if I take one of the tests I already have and get a negative (let's say it's false negative) there's a better chance of getting a positive on the ones I got online. They were incredibly cheap, too. For 1-3 day shipping plus 20 (yes, 20!) tests it's only $25. And I paid extra for the quicker shipping :P

These tests are pretty much basic tests. They don't have the housing on the outside that most tests have so they're cheaper. I've read a lot of positive (haha get it) reviews on them. I'm SOOO hoping to get my BFP!!!

Please please please let this month be it!!! I feel a little better testing with more sensitive tests now, too. These state on their packaging that they are sensitive 7-10 DPO. Other tests say to wait until you have a period. Even those tests have to under estimate their sensitivity in order to keep customers happy, which is why the Clear Blue Easy Digital tests, on the box, say 50 but online it's been tested down to 25. I should be able to take one of the 10's the day I get it, which should be by this next Thursday. Although with school I'll likely have to wait to take the test until Friday morning so that I'll have a higher concentration of the hormone, unless I don't go potty the majority of the day Thursday :P I'll have my sister text me if they get here that day so I know not to go :P

Again, just to have that chance to have a positive so early is worth the negatives in between! Because you never know. These particular tests are meant to check incredibly early.

Soooo anxious!!!

Hoping!

As of February 5th there will be a 28.7% chance for an accurate result on a test. There's a chance it could say negative and I'd really be pregnant, there's a chance it really is negative, but there's ALSO a chance it will say POSITIVE. If I could use that chance to happen to sneak a positive out early I'll take it! Any sooner than that and it's a guaranteed NO.

I am so anxious I can hardly contain myself!!!

I'm back to where I was a month ago when it wasn't necessarily the answer or outcome I was nervous about, it was GETTING an answer - ANY ANSWER! If it's negative I can plan a nice month next month for my husband and I. I can try different things to keep it exciting and different ways to heighten our chances of pregnancy. At least I'll know what to plan for. I know the answer I get next Saturday won't necessarily be accurate, but at least if it's an early positive I can rest easy with that!

If it is negative I'll likely take a test each day for about 5 days. 5 days after Saturday would put me at 4 days before a missed cycle. I am capable of taking a test so early since I have such a LONG cycle, which benefits me! I don't have to wait until I've missed my period to test.

*crosses fingers*

Finally!

I finally got a "peak" reading today on my ovulation monitor :P I feel super confident this month as we've tried for days and days, and are still going to try for 3 more days just to be safe, as insurance :P

If it doesn't work this month we'll do it all over again next month :P

I found a ticker online that will countdown the number of days before I can take a home pregnancy test to see if it's worked or not. I'm crossing my fingers!!

Finally decided.

I think that my biggest concern with trying again was Devin. I didn't know if he wanted to really try again yet, or if he thought we were ready, or what. I've come to realize that if we keep making excuses about not being ready we'll never have kids. And I'm not getting any younger!

So we decided to start trying again :P

It will feel so good again to have that chance! The last 2 months have been incredibly hard as there's been ZERO chance of being pregnant. Now that I know my body is trying to ovulate and we've had sex (along with all the old wives tales that follow baby making sex like the specific position, pillow under your back and legs up for 30 minutes, etc lol) I feel good knowing there's at least a chance of conception again. I know it will happen when we least expect it, just like before. It may not happen this month, it may not happen next month. But I know it CAN happen and sometime it will! I feel content knowing this! I'm done with stressing about whether or not it's the right time. Who knows when it's really the right time!

I read so much about homeless mothers, teenagers who get pregnant, unmarried couples, or even my sister who was living in her husband's garage at the time. They all did just fine! We are fairly well off. We have a large, beautiful house with lots of space that we bought JUST FOR OUR KIDS. Devin has a good job, I'm on my way to a good job (with just this 1 semester I qualify!) We're more ready than so many people who have kids!

I can't wait to start taking tests again :P

I figured...

So today my fertility monitor finally budged. Today is day 13, so almost right on schedule I'm going to ovulate. I was hoping my body would be kinda messed up and not ovulate for a few months but no, my body has to be right on schedule and set its self straight right away.

My body is just amazing.

When I got pregnant before I knew right away. My body was able to relate to me the proper symptoms that were unmistakable. When I miscarried, my body did the same. The symptoms were unmistakable. No questions about what was happening. The miscarriage was quick. Even though a small amount of tissue still clung on, my body was still on track with releasing it 32-37 days after the initial miscarriage as though it was a period. Then, another 35 days later, another period. Right on track. I didn't use the fertility monitor then so I'm not sure if I ovulated or not.

But this cycle, which is my very first cycle since the miscarriage completed, is as normal as they come. I'm likely to ovulate on day 14 rather than day 11, but from what I understand every month is always a few days off anyways, it's never right on. So my body is back into it's regular cycle already. I'm just shocked it's so quick.

My body was able to deal with this in such an amazing way. I have to say I'm proud to have my body.

On the other hand, I'm incredibly anxious now that I know I'm going to ovulate. I told my husband it went up to see his reaction. So far he hasn't said anything. Part of me feels I almost shouldn't have told him then just had sex with him for a few days in hopes we get pregnant.

I want a baby so bad again it's really unbearable. I feel so strongly like we will make it work no matter what. All I need is this one semester to get a job that pays enough to remove the roommate situation. I can still go to school, they have evening classes I could take so Devin could watch the baby while I'm at school. Or even online classes so I could stay home and work part time and watch the baby.

We were worse off than we are now when we were pregnant the first time. We HAD to make it work then. Why can't we try and make it work now, when we're better off than before? I'm constantly reminded I'm not pregnant anymore. I would be 19 weeks pregnant by now. I'd have been able to feel the baby moving and kicking. We'd know if it was a boy or girl. But we don't. We will never know.

I'm so afraid to feel this way each and every month until July/August. I know it's going to be even worse when June 16th, our due date, comes around. I can't help but feel this way. Devin says not to use the fertility monitor yet, to wait to use it until July/August. It's impossible. I've been tracking my fertility for at least 2 years now in hopes of determining when to try to have a baby. I can't stop monitoring it now. Each month will be a nightmare not knowing what's going on with my body.

I dunno. I figured I would feel this way when the monitor showed me when to try. I just don't know how to deal with it.

Day 9

I get so nervous now each day when I use my fertility monitor. On a normal cycle I tend to ovulate right around day 11. If this cycle were at all normal, any time it should come up saying my hormones are rising for ovulation. The two months I used it years ago it had me start testing on day 10 and right on day 10 it already went up to high fertility then on day 11 if went to peak fertility. I'm hoping I don't ovulate this month.

These classes are quite difficult so far. It's certainly motivation to wait a while to have a baby. Part of me still wants to try anyways and more and more of me wants to wait to get my degree, since this will be a huge challenge on it's own without a baby.

I guess we'll see...

New cycle.

I was hoping all of this period stuff would finally stop, and it did! I spotted for a week straight then for 3 days it picked up and became the worst period of my life. Finally it's gone completely. Today is day 7 of my first new cycle. I started using the monitor, as it said. So far, as I expected, my hormones are low. If this were a normal cycle I should be ovulating right around day 11. Since this is my first cycle, anything goes. I've read most women do not ovulate for a few cycles. I'm hoping I don't ovulate, so I don't have a reason to want to try for a baby so bad.

I'm incredibly nervous about how I'll feel when I see my fertility rise. I am hoping it will take a few months but part of me wants it now. I don't know.

So confusing.

Unfair

I have some friends who are pregnant. They know about how difficult it was for me when I went through the miscarriage. At this point I would be 18 weeks pregnant. We would have found out by now if it was a boy or a girl. I would be showing by now (even just a little) The world would know that we were expecting a baby.

Anyways, these friends know how hard it is for me to be constantly reminded that I'm not pregnant. Some days are better than others, but most days are bad. No matter how much I tell myself, "What's a few more months of waiting compared to the lifetime you'll have with your baby" it doesn't seem to make it easier to wait, especially when I see my friends having babies and being pregnant.

One friend IM'd me and started saying how sick she was of being pregnant and just wished the baby would get here already. I'd give anything to be sick of being pregnant...

I just want those to know, who are pregnant, don't go on and on about your pregnancy to someone who has no children and had a miscarriage. It's like adding salt to the wound. Not that you do it on purpose, and I know you are excited about your own pregnancy, but still. It's painful enough to see all of your maternity pictures or read all of your posts about what the baby's doing inside you or what you bought for the baby, etc. Let alone have to listen to you brag about it.

Again and again

Once again, my desire for a baby is insane. I was plotting out my calendar for my next cycle and it shows me when I should be ovulating. I knew this would happen. Plus with having my monitor now which will tell me if I've ovulated or not. What am I going to do when it tells me today is the day to try?

My biggest fear of getting pregnant before I graduate is just that - graduation. I fear that I won't go back and finish if I have a baby. At this point, I would be almost finished by the time I have a due date. My sister assured me that she feels I would just finish out the last semester since I'd be just about there. I may as well finish.

Plus, the last semester or two should be mostly internships as it is.

I don't know. I want to have a baby more than anything, but at the same time I feel the timing isn't right yet.

I need to remind myself over and over, "What's a few more months in comparison to a lifetime with your baby?"

No wonder...

I have read that anything goes when it comes to the first period following a miscarriage. This period has been strange, to say the least. It started a week ago as very light, barely noticeable. No cramps, but every other symptom in the book - ESPECIALLY moodiness...

Last night, cramps started kicking in. They were tolerable, but still pretty painful. I refused to take medicine so I could monitor how bad they got or of they would get any worse.

Today, however, is a whole other story... OMG.

They've been elevating all day long. Very very painful. I could feel it all the way to my knees and up into my stomach. Just retching pain. I finally gave in and took some Pamprin, which seems to have finally kicked in just now.

I finally started actually bleeding this morning. It went from the faint spotting all week long to full blown period bleeding. I was so happy to have finally gone through just a single tampon.

I have read that many women will pass tissue usually their second period following a miscarriage. That the first will be incredibly light, then the second will be horrible. It's just the body's natural cleansing process.

I think my body is behaving like this is the second period. I had the miscarriage then a month later I had what could be considered a light period, with 1 day of bleeding and tissue passing, when my body finally turned loose the last piece that clung to my uterus. This time, my body is passing a lot of tissue. None of it was attached, else my HCG wouldn't have dropped. It was just "in there." Gross, I know.

But it would explain why the cramping got so horrible today. My body is getting rid of everything inside my uterus - painful! This would have to mean my next period will be more normal. I usually have painful periods, but this was horrible!

Hopefully I'll start feeling better soon...

Finally!

So yes, I am FINALLY on a period!! Full blown period! I'm going to start counting day 1 as today since today it's official. Ugh the cramps!!

I had estimated the start of my next cycle as 1/12, 35 days after the end of the second mc round. Today is day 34, right on schedule :P My cycles are usually 32-37 days in length.

Hooray for my clockwork schedule!!

Cramps

Ugh. I assumed my period started January 5th when I started spotting and had plenty of period symptoms. I didn't have any cramping then, though. Today after working out I started getting cramps. This evening they're worse. I'm bleeding again now, too. So far it's all been insanely light. I emailed my doctor who said not to worry if it doesn't get heavy this time. Now that I'm cramping I feel like it's going to get a little heavier. I don't want to take any pain meds so I can monitor it, see if it feels like a normal period or not.

Normally my cramps get so bad I can't get out of bed. On my way to work one time I had to pull over during rush hour traffic to cry and curl up because it was so horrible. I can usually manage the pain with a few pamprin, it's just horrible if I don't time it right. Part of me wants to have the familiar horrible period cramping because it's just that - familiar. I know why the pain is there, I know what's causing it, it's normal. Although part of me doesn't want to be in pain lol.

I suppose it would explain why my moodiness got worse these last few days. Maybe today is essentially the first day of a new cycle. Either way, I'm counting from the day I started spotting just to be safe.

I got my monitor in the mail, started using it on day 4.

Still hoping I have some sort of normalcy this time around. I'm so incredibly sick of not knowing what's what.

Ugh

It's been difficult lately. I know Devin just blames it on hormones, it doesn't matter if I'm actually upset or if my hormones make me even more upset than I should be. Supposedly I'm never actually upset, it's all hormones. As a woman, it's always hormones.

Yesterday, Devin went out to eat with his dad and his dad's friend without me. I don't normally mind because usually I'm working. I didn't go because they went golfing first super early, and I didn't want to golf. Devin texted me and said he wanted to treat me out to dinner last night since he got to go out and I didn't. So I was excited to go out, just him and I. We haven't been out together in a long time because of money or because there's usually so many people here.

So last night we went to the mall to exchange some pants he bought me for Christmas. I started getting hungry so we left. He said we'd go somewhere out by Fry's, so we went to Fry's then he started heading home. On the way home he said something about making dinner at home and asked what we have. I wanted to scream at him because he KNOWS since we have zero money we don't have any meal foods at home - just canned soup and top ramen. What a thoughtful idea - to go from going out to dinner and having someone else do the cooking/cleaning to having top ramen at home - where likely I'll do the cooking/cleaning.

So I shrugged it off and just stayed quiet. Then he offered to go to the store to buy ingredients to make dinner and I said whatever. We bought veggies and meat for fajitas since we had ton of tortillas at home and nothing to go with them.

We got home and he put the bags on the counter then went straight to the computer. By this time it's already 8pm. So, apparently he's not cooking dinner. So I started cutting the onions that I CANT cut up (they make my whole eyes, nose, sinuses, everything BURN) I'm in there sniffling, coughing, choking, and he doesn't look up from the computer. I got everything else on the stove, all that's left is to stir it and serve it.

He got up from the office and walked into the kitchen, grabbed my butt as always (which he knows I get upset for) then went to the bathroom (where he always takes half an hour) I finally got so mad that he didn't even offer to help make the dinner I was originally supposed to be treated out to. I texted him and said, "How come I'm cooking the dinner I was originally supposed to be treated out to?" A few minutes later he comes out of the bathroom and just says, "I don't know." Then decides to try and help. I told him not to bother since it was done.

I just feel that lately I've been put on the back burner. He never wants to do anything romantic with me. He always gropes, tries for sex, but never does anything special for me anymore. I do all of the cooking and cleaning and when finally I'm offered a treat out it blows up in my face. I should have known I wouldn't get that privilege.

I know he works and I know work is stressful. But, like me, he needs to fix it and deal with it. He was never any help when I would come home after being treated like dirt day after day after day. I'd get a foot rub or a back rub but that was it. Finally I had to BEG him to work with me and fix it. I fixed it by renting out the rooms and tolerating a roommate. So he needs to fix his issues with his own job (that I can't fix) by transferring, or finishing school to get promoted, or something. I can't do it for him and I certainly shouldn't have to deal with him dumping his stress on me this way.

I feel very unloved and unwanted - except sexually, of course. That's the last thing on my mind at this point. I hate sex right now. It's nothing but a horrible reminder that I lost our baby and how we have to start from square one to get another.

He calls me 5 minutes before he's supposed to go downstairs for work and asks me what's wrong. As if 5 minutes will fix it. I couldn't help but be short with him all day long. He said, "Thank you for making my lunch." I texted back saying, "I make your lunch every day" Thinking, "And he's thanking me now?" He says, "This one will be really yummy." Which pissed me off. I can only afford PBJ or lunch meat. I happened to send him today with sloppy joes because my sister bought it over the weekend. So I said in return, "None of the other lunches I make are yummy? Sorry I can't afford lunches like this every day, all I can afford is pbj." His response back was, "I love you."

He does that when he doesn't know how to pull his foot from his mouth. So I texted, "Good response. Fixes everything." Then he finally decides to call, 5 minutes before work starts. He kept asking what was wrong and I repeatedly said nothing (because 5 minutes of me yelling at him won't fix it) He said, "Fine then, when you blow up at me because everything's been piling up I'll remind you that you had your chance to tell me what was wrong."

He honestly doesn't get it...

Evanescence - Missing

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out;
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something.......

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Another day

My mind keeps bouncing back and forth, over and over. I know it has to be hormones, but still. One minute I'm fine and level headed and thinking straight. The next I don't care about thinking straight or level headedness and want what I want NOW.

As I said before, our goal is to wait until July/August to start trying again for a baby, this way the baby would be due after I graduate. I know that if I take a semester off to have a baby there's little or no chance I'll actually finish. The last semester or 2 is mostly internships - full time - plus I'll have a job on top of that - plus a baby? Talk about hard! If I wait to have a baby until after I'm done with school I will have plenty of time outside of working to take care of it, I won't feel rushed.

But then days like today, I just don't care. I know that everything seems to work out in some way and I know we'll make it work - I mean, we were going to make it work with the one we lost and we were FAR from ready. I was still at Nob Hill with no end in sight, school wasn't even on my mind. I was a total loss when it came to society and had nothing to show for, yet we were going to have a baby and make it work.

At least my emotions from the miscarriage seem to have worked themselves out. I mean, of course I'm still sad about it, but I've come to terms with it. There was nothing we could do, nothing anyone could do. This was nature and survival of the fittest at it's finest. It's a genetic flaw with humans - we have a high miscarriage rate. It's nature's way of preventing ill born babies, or babies missing important genetic material. Had this baby be born, it would have had all sorts of problems and would have likely been in pain it's entire life. That's not something anyone would wish on anyone, no matter how strongly they want a baby.

I am more confident in our next pregnancy. I will be much healthier this time (having cut out all caffeine, more sugars, exercising more regularly, losing more weight, no stressful job, etc) Plus I've had every test in the book that shows I'm as healthy as a 24 year old woman can be. I am very proud of my body and am happy to take care of it.

I know our next pregnancy won't come without some fears, of course. I know that every time symptoms fade for a bit or I feel something different I'm going to freak out. However, last time I KNEW when something was wrong. It's quite obvious. I'm so in tuned with my body that I can tell when something "different" happens...

So we'll see. I'm hoping these feelings pass...

Happy

Everything seems to be lining up again! I got my financial aid all worked out at the school - I will graduate April 2012! I've wanted a graduation so bad! To finally achieve something honorable is priceless to me. To finally do something with myself means so much!! I have orientation next week Thursday then school starts the following Tuesday. I can't wait!!

Plus the fact that I will graduate in April means we can start planning for a baby again. If I were to conceive this year in August I would be due in May 2012, after graduation. It will be so great to be able to plan this out! I should get my kit any day now, and now that it seems a cycle has kicked in I can start tracking immediately! The kit usually says to start using the monitor on day 10 of your cycle - today is technically day 2 (well, it's day 2 if the bleeding picks up, otherwise this is just pre-menstrual spotting) I can't find any accurate answers online that say whether or not to track from the first sign of blood or from the first day the bleeding picks up - I would think the spotting...

Can't hurt to say it started yesterday :P

So, now that it seems the worst of everything is over, I am happy! Life is moving in a forward and positive direction. Not by its self, I have to make it move that way!

Plus I've been working out a lot lately! I think that's helping my moods... I went Tuesday, Wednesday, and today. I'm super sore! But it feels so good to be burning off this energy I've been hanging onto!

I would like to lose about 15 pounds by the end of this semester (end of March, beginning of April) If I keep things up the way I've been going, it should be a cinch! I just have to stay motivated!!

Hooray!!

I never thought I would be happy to see my dear old Aunt Flow! But I am!! I've read the first one after a miscarriage will be anything but normal so not to expect anything. So long as for 1 day it's heavier then it's a real period. I've read it can be incredibly heavy the whole time, so long as it doesn't last more than 2 weeks, or that it can be incredibly light with only a day or so of slightly heavier bleeding. Right now it's very light spotting really. But it's something!!

I am so proud of my body. To have read how bad these things can go and to know that my body is taking care of everything as it should is amazing. Here I am, only 23 days after the last symptoms of the miscarriage went away and I'm back in a rhythm. I have heard from so many women that it can take months to get a cycle back. This means we can decide to start trying again asap.

I think I will use my new monitor (when I get it in the mail) this month just to see if I even ovulate. I know it can take some time for my body to start ovulating again, and I don't want to try every day this month to no avail and get really upset only to have not ovulated at all.

I also don't have the desire to actually try yet, either. I feel nervous and scared like I always do. Especially now that I KNOW I CAN get pregnant. Before, I got so many negative tests I just thought it wouldn't ever happen, and the ONE TIME we tried differently it happened. So I know we can do it again when we want to.

Right now I'm so excited to start school and get into a lifestyle I will enjoy that having a baby seems to have taken the back burner. I mean, I enjoyed being pregnant, but I have to remember the big picture here. I want my degree. I want to have the best possible life when we have a baby. I don't want to think, "I should have waited." If I get pregnant now, I'll have the baby right before graduation. It would make it just about impossible. So, I think I will wait things out like I originally planned. We can really start trying again this July/August so I'll have a due date after graduation. To have a goal is wonderful! Plus I can continue to work towards losing these last 15 pounds. I didn't gain anything over the holidays, so this should be easy.

I'm so happy with everything right now! My body, my life, my husband, my friends and family. I couldn't ask for more!

Symptoms

I've finally started feeling symptoms again. This time they are most certainly NOT pregnancy symptoms! I haven't had normal monthly cycle symptoms since September, so even though it doesn't feel great, it feels great!

I feel like I'm going to start a cycle any day now. The cramping I have now is more "wholesome," meaning all throughout my abdomen instead of in one spot. It's also more of a heavy cramp rather than just one little poke every few hours. Any day now!

My last HCG test was at <2, meaning the miscarriage is over. As of today, it has been 21 days since I've had any bleeding at all. In order for this next cycle to be considered a cycle and not leftover miscarriage tissue, I have to go 20 days without any bleeding what so ever. It's been 21!

So once I start again, it's a new cycle. FINALLY! I have never been so excited for a period before in my life! Sure it's nice not having a period, but when you want a baby and rely on a period it sucks!

I just noticed today is the 3rd. That means it took me 2 months to get back into a cycle. 8 weeks. I have read it will take anywhere from 3-9 weeks to get a cycle after the initial miscarriage, if everything goes well. Mine took so long because my body didn't get rid of everything the first time. So definitely any day now!

Last night, before I fell asleep, I was reminiscing everything my body has been through in the last few months. Our bodies are certainly amazing. Just to think that my body knows how to create a new life out of 2 cells, how to nourish it, how to properly cushion it. Then the fact that my body knows when that life form isn't growing properly, it knows how to deal with it appropriately. I see it as survival of the fittest. If the baby isn't as fit as your body feels it should be, your body can deal with it. To know that my body did it's very best to make sure this whole ordeal went as it should is just amazing to me.

I am happy to be human, and to be a woman.