I figured...

So today my fertility monitor finally budged. Today is day 13, so almost right on schedule I'm going to ovulate. I was hoping my body would be kinda messed up and not ovulate for a few months but no, my body has to be right on schedule and set its self straight right away.

My body is just amazing.

When I got pregnant before I knew right away. My body was able to relate to me the proper symptoms that were unmistakable. When I miscarried, my body did the same. The symptoms were unmistakable. No questions about what was happening. The miscarriage was quick. Even though a small amount of tissue still clung on, my body was still on track with releasing it 32-37 days after the initial miscarriage as though it was a period. Then, another 35 days later, another period. Right on track. I didn't use the fertility monitor then so I'm not sure if I ovulated or not.

But this cycle, which is my very first cycle since the miscarriage completed, is as normal as they come. I'm likely to ovulate on day 14 rather than day 11, but from what I understand every month is always a few days off anyways, it's never right on. So my body is back into it's regular cycle already. I'm just shocked it's so quick.

My body was able to deal with this in such an amazing way. I have to say I'm proud to have my body.

On the other hand, I'm incredibly anxious now that I know I'm going to ovulate. I told my husband it went up to see his reaction. So far he hasn't said anything. Part of me feels I almost shouldn't have told him then just had sex with him for a few days in hopes we get pregnant.

I want a baby so bad again it's really unbearable. I feel so strongly like we will make it work no matter what. All I need is this one semester to get a job that pays enough to remove the roommate situation. I can still go to school, they have evening classes I could take so Devin could watch the baby while I'm at school. Or even online classes so I could stay home and work part time and watch the baby.

We were worse off than we are now when we were pregnant the first time. We HAD to make it work then. Why can't we try and make it work now, when we're better off than before? I'm constantly reminded I'm not pregnant anymore. I would be 19 weeks pregnant by now. I'd have been able to feel the baby moving and kicking. We'd know if it was a boy or girl. But we don't. We will never know.

I'm so afraid to feel this way each and every month until July/August. I know it's going to be even worse when June 16th, our due date, comes around. I can't help but feel this way. Devin says not to use the fertility monitor yet, to wait to use it until July/August. It's impossible. I've been tracking my fertility for at least 2 years now in hopes of determining when to try to have a baby. I can't stop monitoring it now. Each month will be a nightmare not knowing what's going on with my body.

I dunno. I figured I would feel this way when the monitor showed me when to try. I just don't know how to deal with it.