Ugh

It's been difficult lately. I know Devin just blames it on hormones, it doesn't matter if I'm actually upset or if my hormones make me even more upset than I should be. Supposedly I'm never actually upset, it's all hormones. As a woman, it's always hormones.

Yesterday, Devin went out to eat with his dad and his dad's friend without me. I don't normally mind because usually I'm working. I didn't go because they went golfing first super early, and I didn't want to golf. Devin texted me and said he wanted to treat me out to dinner last night since he got to go out and I didn't. So I was excited to go out, just him and I. We haven't been out together in a long time because of money or because there's usually so many people here.

So last night we went to the mall to exchange some pants he bought me for Christmas. I started getting hungry so we left. He said we'd go somewhere out by Fry's, so we went to Fry's then he started heading home. On the way home he said something about making dinner at home and asked what we have. I wanted to scream at him because he KNOWS since we have zero money we don't have any meal foods at home - just canned soup and top ramen. What a thoughtful idea - to go from going out to dinner and having someone else do the cooking/cleaning to having top ramen at home - where likely I'll do the cooking/cleaning.

So I shrugged it off and just stayed quiet. Then he offered to go to the store to buy ingredients to make dinner and I said whatever. We bought veggies and meat for fajitas since we had ton of tortillas at home and nothing to go with them.

We got home and he put the bags on the counter then went straight to the computer. By this time it's already 8pm. So, apparently he's not cooking dinner. So I started cutting the onions that I CANT cut up (they make my whole eyes, nose, sinuses, everything BURN) I'm in there sniffling, coughing, choking, and he doesn't look up from the computer. I got everything else on the stove, all that's left is to stir it and serve it.

He got up from the office and walked into the kitchen, grabbed my butt as always (which he knows I get upset for) then went to the bathroom (where he always takes half an hour) I finally got so mad that he didn't even offer to help make the dinner I was originally supposed to be treated out to. I texted him and said, "How come I'm cooking the dinner I was originally supposed to be treated out to?" A few minutes later he comes out of the bathroom and just says, "I don't know." Then decides to try and help. I told him not to bother since it was done.

I just feel that lately I've been put on the back burner. He never wants to do anything romantic with me. He always gropes, tries for sex, but never does anything special for me anymore. I do all of the cooking and cleaning and when finally I'm offered a treat out it blows up in my face. I should have known I wouldn't get that privilege.

I know he works and I know work is stressful. But, like me, he needs to fix it and deal with it. He was never any help when I would come home after being treated like dirt day after day after day. I'd get a foot rub or a back rub but that was it. Finally I had to BEG him to work with me and fix it. I fixed it by renting out the rooms and tolerating a roommate. So he needs to fix his issues with his own job (that I can't fix) by transferring, or finishing school to get promoted, or something. I can't do it for him and I certainly shouldn't have to deal with him dumping his stress on me this way.

I feel very unloved and unwanted - except sexually, of course. That's the last thing on my mind at this point. I hate sex right now. It's nothing but a horrible reminder that I lost our baby and how we have to start from square one to get another.

He calls me 5 minutes before he's supposed to go downstairs for work and asks me what's wrong. As if 5 minutes will fix it. I couldn't help but be short with him all day long. He said, "Thank you for making my lunch." I texted back saying, "I make your lunch every day" Thinking, "And he's thanking me now?" He says, "This one will be really yummy." Which pissed me off. I can only afford PBJ or lunch meat. I happened to send him today with sloppy joes because my sister bought it over the weekend. So I said in return, "None of the other lunches I make are yummy? Sorry I can't afford lunches like this every day, all I can afford is pbj." His response back was, "I love you."

He does that when he doesn't know how to pull his foot from his mouth. So I texted, "Good response. Fixes everything." Then he finally decides to call, 5 minutes before work starts. He kept asking what was wrong and I repeatedly said nothing (because 5 minutes of me yelling at him won't fix it) He said, "Fine then, when you blow up at me because everything's been piling up I'll remind you that you had your chance to tell me what was wrong."

He honestly doesn't get it...