Not Pregnant.

There it is - my answer. I would have liked to hear something like 5000 rather than 20, but I have an answer either way. I still have no idea if this was a second miscarriage or if this is leftover from the first. My dr has said it could be either, and I'm not sure at this point if there's a way to tell the difference.

I am partly sad, of course, because we wanted a baby so bad (the "want" only got so bad after the first pregnancy) But mostly I am relieved. I don't feel confident in having a baby at this point. We are renting out half our house, we don't have enough money to buy even ourselves food let alone a baby, same with clothes. I'm going back to school and trying to get into a better job before we build a family.

I feel that once I have a job where I can work part time and afford my bills (which I should be able to do after school) and once we don't need roommates anymore, then we can start trying again. I know we can get pregnant, it was super easy the one month we tried things differently (different days in my cycle) So I know when I change my mind and want a baby again it won't take long.

I feel really good at the moment. I don't have to worry if everything is ok right now, I dont have to worry if I'm miscarrying again, I don't have to worry in general right now. I was stressing so horribly about what I ate, what I drank, how active I was (or wasn't) and everything in between. Going through all of that immediately following a miscarriage is harsh. So a word of wisdom from someone who has miscarried and whose dr said we could try right after - don't. Wait it out. Wait to at least have a cycle to figure things out. What's a few months waiting in the lifetime you'll have with your baby (even when they're not a baby anymore) It's sad I had to learn this now, but you know me! Impatient, needy, gotta have it NOW lol.

I still have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday and blood work Thursday. I asked my dr if I could keep both appointments. I want to follow my numbers back down to <5 this time so I KNOW the miscarriage is complete. I also want to see what the ultrasound will show. I want to see if everything came out as it should. I didn't pass that much tissue so its so hard to tell. I mean, I passed a TON of tissue the first time and apparently that wasn't enough (I'm still assuming this is all leftover from the first miscarriage) I don't want to go through all of this again anytime soon. I want to know my next cycle is a cycle, not a leftover miscarriage. I want to be back into my 32-37 day routine.

I feel pretty good right now. Although that's right now, at anytime I could have a mood swing and feel terrible. But right now I feel good. I know how to move forward at this point. I have read that the symptoms I had got stronger, or felt stronger, because of coming down from the numbers. Any fluctuations can make me feel different. Right now they are so low my symptoms should be letting go soon. I still feel pressure in my lower abdomen, like my uterus is still slightly expanded, so I feel like I have to pee still quite often. My boobs at the moment don't hurt but last night they had a big rush of pain and they're still huge. My mood feels elevated, not swinging. I don't feel nauseous. So all in all my symptoms are faded, as expected.

Today I'm going running. I felt so good yesterday and Friday after working out with Emily, it was SO what I needed. So I'm going to try again today by myself. It's a great stress release and now I know I can push myself without hurting anything. I know I can count my calories and not hurt anything. I can have some caffeine and not hurt anything. It was the "not knowing" that was driving me mad, not necessarily the outcome.

:)