Pain

So some pain is starting to kick in. I was expecting it. I haven't felt like myself all day long. That was the first thing I told Devin this morning, that something wasn't right. I finally ate something, only thing that doesn't sound nauseating was Spaghettios, so I had a can of that. I made brownies last night and they sound awful right now. I don't feel emotionally distraught, so it's not that. I can always eat when I'm emotional. Food just sounds bad and yucky today. I also feel exhausted. I've been stressing soooo much about this pregnancy stuff for over a month now. Every time I sit down at the computer I think of something to look up, something to google, something to ask, something to try and find out about pregnancy and miscarriage. Suddenly it's hours later and I haven't found out anything of importance, or my mind gets even more locked up.

Again, I feel like if I'm going to miscarry, just do it already! I hate this feeling of not knowing. I can't be hopeful because it will only make it hurt more later. I can't get attached at all in any way, or it's a nightmare and I will never want babies again. At least if I miscarry and KNOW it's a miscarriage, I'll know what's going on. I can move on. I can start waiting for a cycle. I'm ready to just have time without pregnancy, without babies, without Google.

I could always go to the ER and have an ultrasound and blood test done immediately. I've always been advised to do so in the event of bleeding or passing tissue during pregnancy. I just feel it will make things worse, having a quick test with someone who doesn't know my situation rather than having a full exam with my doctor. If the bleeding gets worse my doctor also said I can call and push my appointment up as it may need immediate attention, like last time. I know they can't do anything regardless, so what's the point in making them cancel someone else's appointment just to see me, when they can't do anything for me. I may find out sooner something, but it won't help.

Ugh I don't know.

I'm thoroughly exhausted. And I'm getting cramps. As soon as I see more tissue and KNOW it's a miscarriage, I'm taking Pamprin. Until then, no pain relievers just in case.