Harder than I thought...

I really love photography. Whenever I see an ad on Facebook or whenever our wedding photographer posts new photos I love to browse through them. One photographer posted photos of a family at their home, just portraits, and there was a sweet little baby in the pictures. The first few I thought, "Aw what a sweet little baby." Then after a few more I completely welled up and wanted to bawl my eyes out. I can't cop it up to hormones because my blood tests show it's minimal now, so I know this is truly how I feel.

After the miscarriage I felt more upset than I have in my entire life. I have had a rough childhood and even compared to that, to all of the emotional and physical trauma, this was worse. I would never wish this sort of pain on even my worst enemy. This feeling of utter helplessness is so unbearable...

As horrible as it sounds, I wish I never experienced the pregnancy. I have always wondered what it would be like to be pregnant. What it would feel like to have something alive and growing inside you. To have something depend on you for sustenance, for life, for everything. I felt like for once in my life someone needed me. That without me, there would be no "them." And now the guilt is coming back...

I couldn't do anything to save him/her. I couldn't do anything to make sure they were healthy. I flat out couldn't do anything. I know it's completely out of my control, but that unbearable helplessness kicks in anyways.

At least before I was pregnant I never stressed about pregnancy or having a baby. I only "sort of" wanted a family at the time. We were only trying here or there rather than diligently. I didn't think we would actually get pregnant the one month we tried sooner in my cycle. I was incredibly shocked after getting that positive test. I was thrilled, not scared. I was happy, not afraid. It never occurred to me that we would lose our first baby. Never.

I had everything planned out in my head. How I would potty train our new baby, how I would learn to breast feed, how I would teach him/her to walk... I wondered what their first words would be, if they would have mine or Devin's eyes, if they would get my mother's curly hair or my little feet...

To have those dreams taken just like that was a stab in the heart. I really did not expect it. I never in a million years would have thought I'd lose my first pregnancy. Now because of this I am so afraid to become pregnant again. I don't want to go through this again. I know there's the chance, I'm not going to set myself up like I did the first time by ignoring reality.

I would have been just past the 14 week milestone yesterday. Every week it haunts me. I should be another week closer to having our little baby but I'm not. Our baby should be at a certain size by now but it's not. I think my body knows all of this, too, because it feels so incredibly empty.

It's so hard to see the positives when I don't care about whether or not we are totally ready. I just care about having a baby. I mean, look at all the super young girls on drugs or alcohol, not married, no home, no job, don't care about themselves or kids, and they happen to have perfectly happy healthy babies that they don't even want. What about those of us who want it more than anything? Maybe it's because we want it so bad we don't have it. Maybe life is not about planning or wanting things, but just taking it as it comes.

Well it's horrible.