I feel I may be miscarrying again. Not just the fear of miscarrying, but really miscarrying. As I said in my previous post I've been bleeding since Wednesday off and on. Today it's heavier. It started sometime during the night and isn't getting any lighter, although it's not any heavier. There's no tissue and no cramps yet. When I use the bathroom I can feel my insides pushing. My first thoughts are, "If I'm going to miscarry, just do it now. Please don't make me wait."
The pressure on the one side seems a bit stronger, although it could be in my mind. I feel a bit sad, but not like last time. Although last time it didn't hit me until I saw and felt the tissue pass. I completely cracked last time after I saw and felt everything. This time I feel I may not take it as hard as last time. Last time I was farther along. I bought a pregnancy journal. I started learning all of the interesting facts about pregnancy. This time I already know the facts. I haven't bought a journal yet (just in case) I haven't really announced it to as many people yet. I haven't made any plans for this pregnancy.
Last time I already had a list of names. I was so oblivious to the fact that I might lose the baby. I really had no idea. No one did. This time I am prepared. I haven't gotten excited yet about it. I've just been worried and waiting the whole time.
So far I just feel... different. I feel like something is wrong. Maybe it will pass, maybe it will get worse. I've learned that researching until I can't see straight anymore doesn't help. I have to let my body do what it's going to do and just wait.
So right now I'm not waiting for the bleeding to stop. I'm waiting for what seems imminent.
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